Racism: what you can do about it

When something terrible happens – in this case, the recent deaths of Ahmaud Arbrey, Breonna Taylor and George Floyd – the two questions I ask myself are:

1. What can I learn?

2. What can I contribute?

The answer to the first question is “quite a lot”.

Having experienced racism throughout my childhood, I’ve tended to tune out from the conversation about racism as an adult. But the events of the past few weeks and, indeed, years (since 9 November 2016, to be precise) have prompted me to tune back in.

Being brown does not give me a free pass from educating myself about racial injustices and doing something about it. If I (we) care about creating a world in which everyone has at least a decent shot at a reasonable existence (and that is a low bar), I (we) cannot tune out from what is going on right now; what has been going on for several hundred years.

Over the past few days, I’ve realised how my own experience of assimilating, studying and earning my way out of the second-class citizenship that I was born into is nothing compared to the real risk to life and safety that black people experience (and continue to experience) every day. In 2020. And this is not just about what’s happening in the United States; it’s happening in our own backyard with indigenous Australians.

Black Lives Matter.

So we need to do more to educate ourselves about this problem.

If you’d like to learn more, this is a good start: http://bit.ly/ANTIRACISMRESOURCES

These resources are U.S.-centric, but our countries are more similar than we’d like to admit. In Australia, the issues are just buried a lot deeper.

For my fellow coaches, check out the work of Trudi Lebron for education on equity and diversity in the coaching industry (although her work probably applies to all leaders).

You don’t have to agree with everything you hear. I’ve watched numerous videos from anti-racism educators on social media – some of it resonates and some of it doesn’t. Where it doesn’t, I have to ask myself why not – sometimes it’s because it challenges my own limited thinking and other times it’s because it doesn’t align with my personal values.

You have a choice about what you believe. But please take in as many perspectives as you can before you decide where you stand.

Be willing to be a learner. Be willing to get curious about what’s really going on. Be willing to put your own ego on the line and be open to being wrong.

Read, watch, listen, learn.

The answer to the second question is also “quite a lot”.

American writer Roxanne Gay wrote recently:

“Eventually doctors will develop a coronavirus vaccine, but black people will continue to wait for a cure for racism.”

Racism is an ugly, divisive, deep-rooted human sickness that has plagued our world for eons. But that doesn’t mean there’s nothing we can do about it.

While Roxanne Gay’s quote reveals a lot about our priorities as a society, we can’t let it prevent us from contributing to the change we wish to see in the world – our world. And the most powerful tool we have to do that is the humble conversation.

So talk to your colleagues. Talk to your friends. Talk to your families.

Let them know that you are not okay with the world as it is. Let them know that you want our world to be different. Let them know that you are committed to learning.

I get that this can be uncomfortable. But our discomfort is nothing compared with the fear and disillusionment – and, more to the point, the risk to life and safety – engendered by racism itself.

Besides, we do uncomfortable things all the time. Push-ups, public speaking, getting our teeth cleaned – these things are all uncomfortable and yet we do them (well, maybe not push-ups) because they serve a purpose.

So get talking - and, more importantly, listening.

It’s okay not to know what you’re doing. The truth is, no one really does.

But not knowing the ‘right’ thing to say is holding us back from vital progress. And the ability to have conversations about complex issues is a skill that can be learned.

We need to have more conversations about racism to hold each other accountable for creating a just and equitable society. No one is going to do this for us.

The bottom line is this:

There’s a lot we can learn and a lot we can contribute. But it requires commitment.

We need to:

• Commit to becoming more aware.

• Commit to uncovering our own unconscious biases.

• Commit to speaking up if we witness racial slurs and microaggressions.

And commit to being uncomfortable for a purpose.

By doing so, we can contribute to creating a world that is more comfortable for all of us.

It’s the least we can do.

How to ease your anxiety during a crisis

Note: This article is about anxiety as a mood, rather than as a clinical condition. For professional advice on any mental health issues, please contact a medical doctor or psychologist, or call Lifeline on 13 11 14.

"Hello darkness, my old friend…"

We are living in troubling times. Even though the sun is shining here in Australia, and the northern hemisphere is seeing the first signs of spring, the darkness of an uncertain future - at least in the short- to medium-term - is hard to avoid or ignore.

During this period of extraordinary uncertainty (it seems that COVID-19 is 'just' the final straw, following years of political and social upheaval), it's natural that some of us will veer towards anxiety from time to time. I mean, how else do you explain people hoarding toilet paper? And even though we might have the self-control to avoid engaging in this and other more extreme forms of anti-social behaviour, anxiety can creep into our emotional repertoire in other ways. In a workshop last week, a colleague and I witnessed a few teary outbursts that seemed less about the workshop content and more of a brief release of pre-existing emotional tension. You've probably come across examples of this in your own life.

At the same time, we're also seeing so many examples of kindness, compassion and generosity, not to mention strength and resilience. This crisis is bringing us together as citizens not just of our own countries - as people across Italy have demonstrated by connecting with each other through the universal language of music - but also as citizens of the world. As physical boundaries are increasing, perhaps the boundaries of our humanity are also expanding.

So clearly there is hope.

And the difference between hope and despair doesn't necessarily lie in how quickly or effectively our governments respond to the current crisis, or whether we or our loved ones are directly affected by COVID-19, or whether we have an adequate supply of toilet paper.

It lies in our "way of being" - our attitude, our mindset, our way of showing up to and in life.

More specifically to the current situation, it lies in our ability to manage our own anxiety, so that we retain the ability to be "choiceful" in how we respond to the current and emerging challenges of this unusual period in human history.

"Hello anxiety, my old friend..."

Most people don't know that I have a long and laboured relationship with anxiety. Not clinical anxiety, but an anxious temperament, if you like.

For the first three decades of my life, I was a world-class worrywart. I chewed up vast amounts of emotional energy worrying about things that would never happen, and I invested whatever energy I had left in pretending everything was under control. (I'm sure I'd qualify for an Honorary Doctorate in Anxiety, if there was such a thing!)

And yet, now, people are often telling me how calm my energy is. I have discovered the ability to observe without reacting - not always, but most of the time. Curiosity has become my default setting.

This "way of being" didn't come to me easily but through a sustained effort to overcome an ingrained habit of reaching for anxiety as my go-to response to uncertainty. Here are some of the strategies that have worked for me in this regard and may help you and those you care about to navigate "the new normal" with more peace and presence:

1. Breathe. It can be kind of annoying when someone reminds you to do something that you do naturally all the time (and potentially ironic when COVID-19 causes breathing difficulties), but there are a couple of reasons why breathing is so important. First, our breathing is part of a feedback loop with our nervous system: when we're anxious, we take more shallow breaths and this tells our brains that we're in danger; when we're calm, we take deeper breaths, which tells our brains that we're safe. We can reverse engineer this process by managing our breathing. The trick is to exhale for longer than you inhale (for example, inhaling for three counts and exhaling for four to five counts). Try this for a minute and see what happens. Second, it's not just about breathing – it's about connecting your awareness to your breath. It's about focusing your attention on something simple and essential and, in doing so, detaching from the drama, even just for a few minutes. Again, try it and see what happens.

2. Focus on others. If you're reading this post, you probably enjoy a lot of privileges that others don't. This is not about "privilege-shaming"; it's about putting things in perspective. The reality is that anxiety is a fairly self-centred response. We’re concerned about how we might be harmed or experience suffering. And that's understandable. A simple way to bypass that response is to shift our focus to others – whether in terms of connecting with our loves ones or showing concern to strangers. During the peak of the bushfire crisis in January 2020, I (along with millions of others around the globe) found myself becoming quite anxious. Thankfully, I found a productive outlet for my anxiety by volunteering with a local humanitarian relief organisation. This led to a radical shift in my energy – from anxious to enthusiastic; from overwhelmed to determined; from worrier to warrior! All because I shifted my focus from myself to others (and yes, it helped me as well).

3. Be curious. I wish I owned shares in the concept of "curiosity", because it really is one of the most powerful tools I have used for managing my own anxiety. Even more so than courage, curiosity enables us to be open to new possibilities that don't yet exist and creates space for creativity. When we're gripped by the mood of anxiety, we tend to be focused on the worst-case scenario (i.e. catastrophising). We can get stuck in a mode of "What if… [the worst happens]?" When we are in curiosity, our attention can shift to "What if… [things could be better/different]?", which can lead to "What can I do to make a difference?". Curiosity is such a powerful anxiety-buster because it helps to shift our focus from what could go wrong (external, disempowered) to what we can do (internal, empowered).

4. Look for the silver lining. One of my core beliefs is that "everything happens for a reason". Whether this is objectively true or not, I don't care. This belief has enabled me to not just overcome challenges but to find the growth opportunity in them, time after time. When something shitty is happening, I ask myself: "What is this meant to teach me?" And now, because the current situation is happening on a global scale, I ask: "What is this meant to teach us, as a collective?" Here's one perspective that resonated with me recently: https://www.instagram.com/p/B9lPyjEHW3x/

5. Appreciate the ordinary. In extraordinary times, it pays to appreciate the ordinary – the things that help us to retain a sense of normality. A few days ago, I did a U-turn on a busy road and realised how tight my car's turning circle is. That made me smile for a whole five minutes! And that moment of gratitude put me in a more positive frame of mind so that when I went to the local market, I could appreciate the abundance of fresh, healthy food that is still available in our community (away from the hysteria of the supermarkets). So just as you might take your daily vitamins or superfoods, consider adding a daily shot of gratitude into the mix. If you already do this, then savour it. Virtually all of us still have so much to appreciate.

Now, if you've read this far, you might have noticed a theme. It's all about shifting our focus - in particular, from what we can't control to what we can control.

And as we practise this in our daily lives, we might notice something interesting. We might notice that the antidote to what we're experiencing may be the exact opposite of how we're tempted to react. For example:

• where we're tempted to react by hoarding, we're being invited to respond by sharing (preferably with a dollop of hand sanitiser!);

• where we're tempted (and even required) to react by self-isolating, we're being invited to respond by finding non-physical ways to connect with others;

• where we're tempted to react by treating others with suspicion or disdain, we're being invited to respond to them with compassion.

And so on...

We are living in extraordinary times. Without wishing to minimise the genuine suffering and hardship that the recent crisis has caused for so many people, this crisis also contains the seeds of so many wonderful opportunities that we are only just beginning to discover. I'm talking about the opportunity to slow down, to reflect, to connect within and across communities, to take better care of our mental, emotional and physical health, and maybe even to discover a higher purpose in all of the chaos and confusion.

Finally, if I can support you in any way during this challenging time, please feel free to reach out. I'm not selling anything – this is a genuine offer to be of service as a listener, confidant and fellow human being.

Be healthy and well!

How to make better decisions

The key to making better decisions is to respect your emotions and allow yourself to be informed by them, without letting them rule you.

Have you ever wondered what it would be like if you always knew the “right” thing to do in any given situation?

One of my “superpowers” is the ability to see multiple perspectives (no doubt enhanced by my experience as a lawyer), but the downside of this is that I can often get caught up in indecision. To make matters worse, I am a natural “optioneer” – I like to look for possibilities and can become overwhelmed by the paradox of choice. And the kicker is that I also have a strong need for certainty. How is this all going to work out in the end?

[Read more: How to kick your addiction to certainty]

I have spent many hours, days, even weeks chasing my own tail as I tried to figure out which path to take. I have used spreadsheets and complex rating/ranking systems to decide on job options (I wish I was joking!). I have researched restaurant and hotel options in infinite detail, cross-referencing TripAdvisor/Zomato/Google reviews until I could be confident that I would have a good meal or night’s sleep. And I have driven myself (and others) crazy in the process.

Can you relate to any of this? 

A few years ago, I even bought a book called “The Decision Book: Fifty Models for Strategic Thinking”. Fifty? Seriously? How am I supposed to decide which one to use?! While fascinating, it was not particularly helpful.

We’ve got it all wrong

The problem with the way most people approach decision-making is that we assume it's a rational process.

When it comes to breaking the deadlock in our own minds, we tend to rely on rational strategies – for example, the good ol’ “pros and cons” list or even a decision tree if we want to get a bit fancy. We seek and weigh up advice from friends, family, experts, and maybe even strangers. And – if all else fails – we might consider flipping a coin.

But these approaches are limited when it comes to making decisions that really matter.

Why? Because they fail to take account of our emotions.

Science shows us that our ability to make decisions is fundamentally emotional. In the early 1990s, neuroscientist Antonio Damasio challenged the long-standing belief that humans are primarily rational by demonstrating that people who have suffered damage to the emotional part of their brains (the limbic system) have difficulty making even simple decisions, like which restaurant to go to. We need our emotions to make good decisions.

You see, while reason (rationalising) can give us the pros and cons of a particular decision, our emotions reveal our desires – what we want, what we care about and what’s important to us. And even to the extent that we could make every decision analytically, our thoughts (including our perceptions) are strongly influenced by our moods and emotions. It follows that being aware of and having the ability to manage our moods and emotions is essential to making better decisions.

And yet many of us (especially in the corporate world) are strongly conditioned to ignore our emotions, treating them as pesky irritations at best or with deep mistrust at worst. I built the first half of my career on my ability to quarantine my emotions, barely giving them a chance to register before I locked them away as something to be dealt with – well, hopefully never. This served me well until it didn't - and then I learned a better way.

I learned to make “emotionally rational decisions”.

It happened a few years ago.

I was having a conversation with one of my mentors about why I was struggling to say a definitive “yes” or “no” to a job opportunity. The opportunity made sense on paper, but it just didn’t feel right.

My mentor then shared a quote with me, from the acclaimed Chilean biologist-turned-philosopher, Humberto Maturana:

“We live in the flow of our desires and preferences, which are fundamentally emotional.”

Hang on a minute.

Was he actually saying it was okay to make a decision emotionally??? 

That’s when the penny dropped.

Here I was thinking that my emotions were getting in the way of my decision-making when actually they were giving me loud and clear information about what I wanted and what I didn’t want. I just wasn’t giving my emotions the respect that they deserved. Suddenly, I appreciated that it’s okay (and even healthy) to honour my emotional preferences. And maybe I don’t even have to be able to explain or justify them either.

It’s okay to want what you want.

And it's also okay to not want what you don’t want.

Once I recognised the validity of my emotions, I started to develop my ability to identify and explore them in order to gain valuable information about my underlying preferences, which in turn has helped me to make much better decisions. 

Now I have just one simple test when I make a decision about something:

“How do I feel about it?”

If that almost sounds too simple, let’s break it down:

1. Learn how to feel your feelings

Making “emotionally rational decisions” requires you to be in touch with your emotions – and this takes practice and patience, especially if you have a tendency to overthink things.

[Read more: How to stop overthinking]

I am a highly analytical person and taught myself at quite an early age that it was beneficial not to feel my feelings (in my case, to limit/avoid the pain of childhood bullying and racism). What began as a psychological survival strategy as a child turned into emotional numbness as an adult – and, consequently, difficulty in making decisions. It was like my GPS was on but the volume was turned right down so that I couldn’t hear it.

Over the past 3-5 years, I have re-learned to feel my feelings, mostly by engaging in somatic practices (including yoga) and journalling to identify and enquire into bodily sensations and explore their relevance to my life. Not only has this provided me with a rich source of data for making better decisions, but I am also able to experience life in a deeper, more engaged way – including Kleenex commercials with those damned cute puppies!

I’ve noticed that listening to my emotions requires me to be very vigilant about the first thing that comes up when I am faced with a decision (in other words, present). That first impulse, which can be quite subtle, is often the most “pure” signal of the decision I want to make. If I leave it too long, I can become easily confused as my head intervenes and tries to take control of the process.

2. Treat your emotions with respect

Your emotions are a legitimate and healthy part of the decision-making process.

Once you learn to feel your feelings (if you weren’t feeling them already), the next step is to respect them. This means all of them – even the ones that you wish you didn’t feel. Your emotions are telling you something, even if that something is that your thinking is flawed (more on that below).

3. Listen to your heart and validate with your head

Now I’m not saying that we should always act on every emotion that we experience.

Emotions can definitely be misleading when they are based on a flawed premise. For example, if someone swerves in front of you in traffic, you might experience an immediate emotional reaction of anger. But if you later discover that they were swerving to avoid a hazard on the road, you might feel less aggrieved.

Our emotions are based on our interpretation of what’s happening around us (our perception) – and that can change as we learn more about what’s actually happening.

I find it helpful to distinguish between desire-based emotions and fear-based emotions. (Some may see a parallel with the “moving towards” and “moving away from” distinction from neuro-linguistic programming.) Sometimes, fear-based emotions can suck our attention towards a particular doomsday scenario so tightly that we develop tunnel vision and can’t see the other, more positive possibilities that are also available to us.

[Read more: How to cultivate courage and make fear your friend] 

It can be tricky to disentangle desire-based emotions from fear-based emotions (using the mind that created them!), and that’s where having a coach, mentor or trusted friend to support you can be useful. But don’t substitute their opinion for yours – the value of another person’s opinion is to gain a more objective perspective on the situation; to gather more data before referring back to your own emotional experience.

4. Accept that there is often no “right” decision

Life is not a multiple choice test. There is no answer key.

Sure, if you are approaching an amber traffic light, the preferable view is to slow down and stop if it is safe to do so. But it depends on the context, doesn’t it? And we don’t always have the full context when we are making big decisions.

That means that the only reasonable strategy is to make a decision, take a step forward in that direction, and then re-assess when we have more data.

The other thing I've learned is that the definition of a “good decision” depends on whether you care more about the immediate, short-term outcome or the learning and growth it produces. For me, the latter is infinitely more valuable, which is why I believe that the only "bad" decision is to make the same decision over and over again - which includes continually making no decision - if this is not getting you the result that you want (a variation on Albert Einstein's quote about the definition of insanity).

5. Finally, the key to making good decisions is to make them yourself

Yes, of course, there are times when you’ll need to consult others for expert advice and guidance. But it’s more important that you learn to recognise your own legitimacy (that is, taking ownership of your own decisions) and trust yourself to make a wise decision.

If this basic premise of legitimacy and self-trust is missing, you will needlessly struggle with decision-making because you’ll probably be paying undue weight to the opinions (or assumed opinions, because sometimes we just make this stuff up in our heads) of others whose experiences, values and priorities may be different to your own.

***

When I look back on the significant decisions I’ve made over the course of my life, I can see that most of my better decisions have come about when I allowed myself to be informed and guided by my emotions. That doesn’t necessarily mean that those situations unfolded easily or worked out perfectly. Life is a journey and sometimes the best decisions are the ones that take us into new and challenging terrain; the decisions that give us the greatest opportunities for personal growth.

"Decision is the ultimate power." (Tony Robbins)

How to cultivate courage and make fear your friend

If there’s one thing you could give up that would make the greatest positive impact on your life, what would it be?

Last year, I did something a bit weird.

I asked myself this question (that’s not the weird part) – and the answer I came up with surprised me. The answer was “fear”. 

A bit of context: It was late January and my social media feed was starting to feature posts about “FebFast” – an annual fundraising event that challenges people to fast from sugar or alcohol for an entire month. I enjoy challenging myself, but, as a low-level social drinker with some degree of control over my sweet tooth, neither of these options seemed particularly impactful to me. So I decided to do a different kind of fast –  I decided to fast from fear.

Now you may be thinking (a) that’s weird, and/or (b) why the heck would she spend a whole month focusing on something that most people spend their whole lives trying to avoid?

Well, I have developed quite a fascination with fear because it’s so fundamental to our experience as human beings. Whether we know it or not, and whether we admit it or not, all of us (except this lady) experience fear at some point in our lives – and some of us much more frequently than others. At best, fear is a nuisance; at worst, it can be completely debilitating and prevent us from living happy, satisfied, purposeful lives.

And I’m fed up of some of the conventional approaches to dealing with fear. Like:

• “Fake it ‘til you make it”

• “Feel the fear and do it anyway”

• “Do one thing each day that scares you”

I’m not saying that these modern-day proverbs don’t have their place. But isn’t life stressful enough without constantly putting our heads into the lion’s mouth (metaphorically – don’t try this at home!) to prove that we are “fearless”? Not to mention the inauthenticity that these attitudes tend to breed – the sense that we have to appear invulnerable at all times.

The thing is: fear is normal. It is our body’s navigational system doing its job. To habitually override our fear is like trying to drive at 100km/hour when our satellite navigation system is telling us that we’re approaching a peak-hour traffic jam. You wouldn’t usually argue with your GPS, would you? You would just notice the data and respond appropriately.

So what if we could do the same thing with fear?

That’s what I wanted to find out.

Before I could change my mind, I told a few friends about it and put the word out on social media that I would be running it as an online challenge. To my surprise, about 20 people signed up to join me for my first fear fast. 

A slightly unconventional fast

Now, to be fair, it wasn’t strictly a “fast”.

Aside from some sort of radical brain surgery, I’m not aware of any technique or tool that will enable you to eradicate fear completely. So the “fast” was more of a commitment that I wasn’t going to try and avoid the unavoidable. If I experienced fear during the 28 days, I would simply notice it and explore it with curiosity. I wouldn't hide from it and I wouldn't fight it. Beyond that, I had no idea what was going to happen. I would simply allow the experience to guide me.

So what did I learn in 28 days?

Well, not surprisingly, something came up a week or so into the challenge that really triggered my fear. My initial (habitual) reaction was to catastrophise – to imagine the absolute (almost ridiculous) worst-case scenario and start planning for that. My mind started to spiral out of control. But because I was on the fast – and particularly because I was doing it “publicly” – I caught myself mid-spiral, took a few deep breaths and started to apply the principles that I was sharing with my online group.

After a week of witnessing my fear rather than allowing myself to become absorbed in it, I had taken constructive action to deal with the situation and learned some extremely valuable lessons along the way.

Here are some of the highlights:

1. Concerns: The ultimate purpose of fear is to keep us safe, whether physically or psychologically, but it also serves another purpose. It tells us what is important to us (in ontological coaching, our “concerns”). If you are feeling fear, it is because something that you care about is being threatened. When you can identify what that thing is, you are in a better position to proactively take care of it. Without going into the specifics of my situation, my fear revealed to me a whole range of things that I considered to be “at stake” – some of which were genuinely important to me (and which I then took steps to protect) and others of which were only important from an ego perspective (that is, I was concerned with what others would think of me). I’m not dismissing the latter (ego concerns) as unimportant, but I realised that they were secondary concerns in the scheme of things and didn’t let them dictate my response to the situation.

2. Curiosity: When fear is triggered, there can be a tendency to focus on the worst-case scenario. It took me a while to realise that while I was focusing on what could go wrong, I was paying no attention at all to what could go right. The thing is, there was a better than even chance that things would work out in my favour (and they did) but, for some reason, I was completely oblivious to this. It was as if my fear had put a set of blinkers on me. By choosing to be curious about my fear (which is one of the strategies I had shared with the online group), I realised that I wasn’t being curious – or open – about the situation itself. I was simply assuming the worst-case scenario was inevitable and living as if that was a fact rather than a mere possibility. When I brought curiosity to the situation, I suddenly became aware of all the resources (people, processes, etc) available to me to create a more positive outcome. I became empowered again. [Read more: How to kick your addiction to certainty]

3. Compassion: One of the most significant insights I gained during my fast was that my fear is a part of me. Some may disagree with this, but there is a school of thought that says that those parts of ourselves that we reject become our “shadow” (in other words, subconscious drivers that become buried and therefore more difficult to manage) and that it is only in fully embracing all parts of ourselves that we can be truly empowered (whole). Normally, I would have tried to rationalise my fear away – or suppress it – and in doing so, reject that part of me that is fearful. But when I simply allowed my fear to be there, I noticed that (a) I didn’t die, and (b) there was another part of me that was not fearful – and that latter part of me had the capacity for compassion towards my fear. Since that time, I’ve done further studies that have enhanced my understanding of how this works at a psychological level – but, at that time, I was doing it intuitively and, somehow, it worked. My compassion for my fear soothed my fear, diminishing its power over me and my response to the situation.

4. Courage: Following on from compassion, I realised that the part of me that was “not fear” was actually the part of me that I would later identify as “courage”. When we think of courage, we might think of people who don’t appear to experience fear (at least in a particular context) – people who are apparently “fearless”. Or we might think of people who choose to push through their fear – “feel the fear and do it anyway”. For me, being courageous is a bit more nuanced than that. The word “courage” comes from the old French word “corage”, which refers to “heart, innermost feelings; temper”, and the Latin word “cor”, which also means “heart”. So I interpret courage as being a heart-centred emotion that enables us to hold our fear with compassion and drive forward with passion – both emotions of the heart. Courage is not about denying or getting rid of your fear. It is about rising up around that fear using the energies of compassion and passion.

Ultimately, one of my most significant takeaways from the fast was the power of “trust” – or, as I have come to accept it, “faith”. (These are not words I use lightly.)

When I really dug into my fear, I realised that it was coupled with a deep-seated lack of faith in Life (also known as “God” or “the Universe” or simply “the laws of nature”, depending on your orientation). The challenges of the previous few years had eroded my expectation that things would work out for the best and had conditioned me to expect the worst. I also lacked faith in myself – in my ability to take constructive action and recover from any negative consequences that might unfold.

This realisation really shook me. I mean, if it was 95% to 5% that things would work out just fine, why was I so focused on the 5%? Why didn’t I believe I was entitled to the 95%?

Since then, I have worked on developing a more positive relationship with myself that is based on a strong foundation of faith – that ultimately, things will work out for the best, as long as I am being and doing my best. I also cultivated (and validated) the belief that “life is happening for me not to me”, enabling me to find the gifts in any challenging situation. [Read more: How to recover from a major setback]

So I’m curious to know...

How does this resonate with your own experience of fear?

Have you learned any strategies to help you work with fear rather than against it?

“Fear makes us feel our humanity.” (Benjamin Disraeli)

How to recover from a major setback

Have you ever lost your faith in life? 

You’re doing all the right things – working hard, taking responsibility, supporting others – and you’re making strong, steady progress. Then, out of nowhere, life throws you a curveball that smacks you right in the face.

Or maybe it happens more gradually than that.

A few years ago, it felt like my life was on a steady (and sometimes steep) upward trajectory. After 12 career- and character-building years as a lawyer, I had made a challenging but successful transition into a new career as a coach and facilitator. Not only had I found my calling - work that didn't feel like work - but it was also opening up opportunities (experiences, travel, growth) that were far beyond what I had anticipated. More importantly, I felt like I was making a difference in the world - the holy grail, in my view. Life was sweet.

And then there were some major disappointments. It wasn’t one thing in particular but rather a series of changes or losses. I felt like the bottom had dropped out of my life. Relationships ended, once-plentiful opportunities dried up, and the things that used to excite me felt old and stale. I started to wonder whether my luck had run out, whether perhaps I had peaked too early, and whether the rest of my life was doomed to failure. What was happening?

To make things harder, the strategies that I had used to get to where I was didn’t seem to be working anymore. The focus that had been so effective before felt like forcing. It was as though my own life was resisting me.

I kept trying to mentally retrace my steps to figure out where my life had gone off track. But I couldn’t even see the track. It felt like there was no track – at least not for me.

I started to doubt myself and lost sight of my dreams.

In the scheme of things, it could certainly have been worse and I’m grateful that they weren’t. But they were about as challenging as they’d ever been. 

And that's when I discovered a new perspective that changed everything:

“Life is happening for you, not to you.”

Apparently, it was Byron Katie who said this, although I can’t recall exactly where I heard it. And when I really sat with it, it had a profound effect on how I viewed my own life.

At a surface level, this is just a slightly more refined version of “Everything happens for a reason.” But whereas that can sound like a tired cliché, the idea that life is happening for me and not to me was revolutionary because it completely changed my relationship with life.

The way you relate to something is everything.

When you think that something is happening to you, it tends to put you in a more passive role. Even from a purely grammatical perspective, you become the object of the sentence - the thing that some action is being done to. This construction can subtly influence our perception of how much agency - or choice - we have in the situation.

On the other hand, when you think that something is happening for you, you gain a sense of control - not necessarily control over the situation but control over how you respond to it. I would even go as far as to say that it's a sense that the circumstances, events and people in your life are happening for your benefit. You become a more active player in your own life.

And because I have such a strong orientation towards learning (both in terms of formal education and learning through experience), the idea that life is happening for me aligns with the idea that life is our teacher. We aren’t just taught through life – we are taught bylife. The circumstances, events and people in our lives are all capable of generating enormous learning if only we are willing to be the learner. Being a learner involves having the humility to realise that you don’t know everything and the curiosity to know more.

Now you might be thinking, “Well, that’s easy for you to say. But I’ve just lost my job/house/marriage/health/loved one, and NONE OF THAT is for my benefit.”

I hear you.

And I’m in no way saying that you should gloss over your loss. A setback usually involves a loss of some kind – and significant losses are likely to trigger some form of grief (not to mention the entire grief cycle). Grief is natural and healthy to the extent that it allows you to honour what you’ve lost and “digest” the emotions that come with it. But it’s important to be vigilant against becoming stuck in grief and unable to move on.

The perspective that "life is happening for you" gives you an opening to consider how you could move through this challenging emotional space in a constructive way.

Some questions for reflection

Now when something happens that is undesirable, unpleasant or unwanted, I ask myself these questions:

• How is this situation of benefit to me? (Or: How is this situation serving me?)

• What is my life trying to teach me right now?

• What is my life asking me to become (more of)?

• What have I become too attached to in my life?

• What is my life asking me to let go of? (This could be a person, a situation, an attitude, a belief, and so on.)

• In what way is life inviting me to shift my perspective on life itself?

Of course, the value of this approach is not to know it but to live it. 

What started as an “a-ha” moment several years ago has now deepened into “the way I live my life”. That doesn’t mean that I don’t have days where I wonder what the heck is happening – but those moments are fewer and further between, and I can usually bounce back from them quickly when they do occur. Whereas at one time I would have reacted with anxiety, I now have the ability to step back from that anxiety and hold it lightly while moving myself into a more constructive, creative mindset.

When I applied this approach to my own setbacks, this is what I realised:

1. Rest & Renewal: One of the most obvious ways in which life was happening for me was to give me an opportunity to rest and recharge after what had been an intense and emotionally taxing chapter in my life. I was mildly burned out and hadn't realised it, because I genuinely love what I do and had a misguided belief that this made me immune from exhaustion. The setbacks I experienced forced me to slow down and invest in restoring my wellbeing, both physically and emotionally.

2. Re-direction: After two years of freelancing, I had become way too comfortable with the steady influx of work and wasn’t doing the more challenging work of building my own business. This would have been fine, except that I have a strong sense of mission/purpose that seems to be calling me in a different direction to the work I was doing. The past 12 months - while challenging in terms of the uncertainty - has given me the time and headspace to truly get to the heart of what I want to create in the next stage of my career and life. (This is still a work in progress!)

3. Resilience: Ultimately, I have gained a tremendous amount of strength from these experiences. My experience as a lawyer had trained me to handle the stress of long hours, intellectually demanding work and sometimes challenging people/personalities. But none of that prepared me for the stress of not knowing where my career and life was going, not to mention the lack of social and financial stability that is involved in pursuing your own path. But by being open to what life is trying to teach me, I have developed a deeper, more durable resilience that has enhanced my ability to absorb the shocks and tremors of life, and to use these experiences as fuel for my growth.

But there’s more...

Without a doubt, the most significant benefit of the setbacks I experienced has been the opportunity to reconnect with my sense of self-worth. In the past, my self-worth had been attached to external things like my education and achievements, as well as the approval that I’d gained from others, whereas now my self-worth is far more securely anchored in the deep love and respect that I have for myself. (Please subscribe to my blog if you’re interested in hearing more about this!)

These benefits did not arise overnight. But staying in an open enquiry about how my life is happening for me has helped me to gain those benefits much sooner and more easily, and without leaving it up to chance.

Are you struggling to recover from a major setback in your own life? If so, what would be different for you if you could accept (even just hypothetically) that this aspect of your life was happening for you rather than to you?

“Everything that happens to you is your teacher. The secret is to learn to sit at the feet of your own life and be taught by it.” (Polly Berends)

How to stop overthinking

Hey, I don’t mean to brag, but… I’m a world-class overthinker.

On the one hand, I’ve always wanted to be world-class at something, so I’m pretty chuffed about this (!). #lifegoals

On the other hand, it can also be a major liability.

Someone once told me that the mind is a double-edged sword. When used well, it gives you the power to “cut through” to what really matters. When used poorly, it can inflict a considerable amount of pain.

If you think I’m exaggerating about the pain, here’s just a sample of the “symptoms” of overthinking:

• Inability to focus

• Difficulty making decisions, feeling “stuck”

• Procrastination due to perfectionism or fear of failure

• Trouble getting to sleep or staying asleep

• Headaches and muscular tension

• Fatigue/exhaustion, even when you’re not “doing” anything

• Anxiety and/or depression

• Low self-esteem caused by self-doubt and self-criticism

• Inability to relax and rest (“rest resistance”)

That sounds pretty painful to me!

And aside from all of these direct consequences, overthinking also prevents us from being present in our own lives and building genuine connections with the people around us. 

Why conventional strategies don’t work (for long)

The trouble with overthinking is that it’s a mental habit that stems from a process that is generally valued in our society – namely, thinking. And it occurs in the very place that has the ability to deal with it – namely, the mind. And that’s why conventional strategies for managing overthinking are often limited in their effectiveness. 

Most of these strategies fall into one of two buckets:

1. The “stop it” bucket: If you’ve seen Bob Newhart’s “Stop It!” skit, you’ll know what I mean! Even experienced mindfulness practitioners know that it is virtually impossible to stop thinking. Our minds are just too powerful (especially if you have a habit of overthinking) and will eventually override this basic command, especially when we are tired and lack the willpower to keep our minds in check.

2. The “fight thinking with thinking” bucket: The majority of strategies belong in this bucket because they involve thinking something different to what you’re currently (over)thinking. This can work, to an extent. I mean, overthinking is typically a response to uncertainty – when something is uncertain, our minds tend to keep spinning until they find a level of certainty – and by bringing curiosity to the uncertainty, it is possible to relax into the “not knowing” and find some sort of peace there. (Read more: How to kick your addiction to certainty) But have you noticed how once you’ve resolved one issue, your mind goes searching for something else to stew on? It’s like I playing “Whac-a-Mole” in your head! It’s effective but not necessarily sustainable.

Now, if you’ve had success with either of these approaches, that’s great! Keep doing whatever works for you. But if you’re reading this article, it’s probably because you’ve found that these approaches aren’t enough. Maybe you’ve just accepted that you’re wired to overthink and you manage it as best you can – in ways that are healthy (like exercising) or not so healthy (like polishing off a bottle of rosé every couple of days).

But fortunately there is a way that you can curb your overthinking. I discovered it by accident a few years ago and the peace of mind it created was indescribable – literally indescribable, because I was no longer in my head. And, as it happens, that is the key…

How to get out of your head

For as long as I can remember, people have been telling me to get out of my head. But this begged the question: Where else was I supposed to go? 

The short answer is: “get into your body”.

Let me explain...

Most of us live in the realm of our thoughts. We are constantly analysing, judging and labelling everything that happens within and around us. The weather is good, the traffic is bad, and so on. We tend to live primarily in language – much like having our own personal David Attenborough in our heads, except with far less wonder and far more fear and judgment.

But there is another option (which I dare say is unfamiliar to most of us) – and that is to experience life through our direct physical sensations rather than indirectly through the filter of our mental assessments of those sensations.

This is what happens when we are “in the body”. We experience the raw information coming in through our eyes, ears, nose, skin, and so on – and instead of judging it, we simply observe it. So rather than thinking, “the weather is good”, we simply notice the warmth of the sun on our skin, the freshness of the air, the sound of a car engine humming in the distance, and so on. (Now, even these observations are somewhat subjective, but they are more direct and – importantly – require more presence than simply accepting our head’s edited version of events.)

There are many ways to get into your body. The thing is – you are probably already doing this several times a day without even realising it. So the trick is to become conscious of how you do this and do it more deliberately to “get out of your head” when needed.

Personally, I’ve learned how to do this by practising yoga. For me, yoga isn’t about achieving perfect physical alignment or contorting my body into increasingly uncomfortable configurations. It is simply an opportunity to be present in my body and notice what is happening within it. This doesn’t necessarily mean that my mind stops chattering altogether. At the beginning of a class, my mind could be quite active as I transition from the outside world to the world that exists on my yoga mat. But I have learned to use the physical poses to detach from my thoughts, which in turn tends to reduce overthinking because I’ve withdrawn my energy from it. This creates a sense of peace that lingers well after the class is over and is also a reference point for those times when I feel stressed or overburdened.

If yoga isn’t your thing, then you can access this state through many other physical activities – for example, walking, running, hiking (which gives you the double benefit of movement and nature), dancing, singing (which is surprisingly physical), playing.

The activity itself is not so important – it’s the choice to be fully engaged in it that matters. For example, you could be walking and still ruminating over a problem. While the walking could help to soothe your thinking and perhaps even generate fresh insights, it’s not as powerful as choosing to focus on the physical sensations associated with walking. So, whatever you do, choose to be present in it. 

If it’s not convenient to engage in one of these activities, that’s okay too. There are many simple mindfulness techniques that can help you to shift your focus from your head into your body. For example: 

• Bring your attention to your breath and notice the temperature of your breath as it passes through your nostrils or the back of your throat. Is it warm or cold?

• Imagine that you were invisible but that the energy in your body still has a “presence”. What would that presence feel like?

• Place the soles of your feet flat on the floor and imagine that there are roots growing out of your feet and burying deep into the floor and the earth below. (You can do this even if you’re on the top floor of a high-rise building or on an airplane!)

• Focus on the pinky toe of your left foot and listen to it carefully. What is it trying to tell you?

• Do a quick body scan. Start with your toes and move your attention through your body, noticing any sensations – for example, hot/warm/cold, tingling, pulsing, tightening, expansion, and so on. There’s no need to change anything; just notice what you notice.

These techniques might seem simple – even strange, at first – but they can also be life-changing. Choose one that works for you – or create a technique of your own!

Is there are downside to not overthinking?

Now, you might be wondering whether not overthinking will make you – well, a bit stupid. I suspect that those of us who overthink do so because we’ve learned to value our intellectual powers and rely on them to navigate life successfully. So it’s worth addressing this briefly.

The short answer is “no” – you’re not going to become less intelligent or miss something because you stop overthinking. On the contrary, your conscious mind will get a much-needed (and well-deserved) rest, which will free up a huge amount of energy and creativity to invest in other things – like actually living your life!

Your subconscious mind will still be doing its thing under the surface of your awareness, and you’ll probably find that the space you create by reducing your overthinking will free up your attention to take in more – both from your external environment and your subconscious mind (in the form of creative inspiration). 

***

It’s not always easy to break our long-held habits. And yet learning to curb your overthinking is ultimately an investment in your mental health and your ability to be, do and have more in the future. As you become more familiar with how to shift your focus from your head into your body, you are building a new “mental muscle” that will be there to support you in times of stress and turmoil. And that’s worth thinking about!

How to speak so that others (really) hear you

What do accountants, bankers, engineers, lawyers, marketers, project managers, and salespeople all have in common?

No, this is not the set-up of a joke! It’s a genuine question.

As a coach and facilitator, I’ve had the privilege of working with people from a diverse range of industries and disciplines (including all of the above), and I’ve noticed that we all have one thing in common. 

We all want to be heard.

Actually, we all need to be heard.

In life – and in the workplace, in particular – our ability to meet our own needs and get things done is primarily through conversations. And a critical element of an effective conversation is that you (and the other person) are heard. You can’t order your morning coffee unless the barista hears you. You can’t execute your business plan unless your team hears you. And you can’t build your reputation in your industry unless your clients and peers hear you.

And, of course, I’m not just talking about hearing as a mechanical process of converting soundwaves into brainwaves. I’m talking about the feeling we get when we know that the other person has truly understood us.

Because being heard is also a basic human need.

Author David W Augsburger said: “Being heard is so close to being loved that for the average person, they are almost indistinguishable.”

While this might sound a bit intense, think back to the last time you truly felt heard. How did it feel? If you can even remember such a time, I’d say that it was probably an extremely inspiring experience. (Read more: How to inspire others to be their best)

The problem...

...is that we are living in a world in which attention is a scarce resource – perhaps even more so than time or money. We are constantly being bombarded with information – whether in the form of conversations, emails, text messages, social media posts, advertisements, and so on. The demands on our attention are increasing exponentially while our capacity to manage these demands hasn’t really changed.

In this context, your ability to be heard depends on how well you manage two basic parameters:

1.    The other person’s capacity to hear you

2.    The other person’s willingness to hear you

If you want to improve your chances of being heard in the conversations that matter, here are some tips for managing these two parameters.

1. Capacity: Can they hear you?

It’s virtually impossible to be heard by someone who doesn’t have the capacity to hear you.

Again, this is not so much about whether they can physically hear you – although this could be the case if someone has a hearing impairment or is wearing headphones (which is fairly common in some open plan offices). This is more about whether they have the mental and emotional bandwidth to take in what you’re saying.

Have you ever tried to pour water into a glass that is already full?

(If not, try it... Just be sure to clean up afterwards!)

What happens to the additional water?

It spills out of the glass, right?

The glass of water is a metaphor for the human brain.

The human brain has a finite capacity for conscious thought – a bit like the random-access memory (RAM) in a computer. This is our “working memory”. Once that capacity is full, it’s hard for us to take in new information. The only way to free up working memory is to let go of something that’s already there or move some of the items into long-term storage (which takes time, repetition and usually sleep). 

Now, let’s assume that the mind of the average person is filled to the brim with ideas, questions, musings, plans, conversations, commitments, doubts, fears, regrets, and random songs that they heard on the radio that morning. 

How do you add your idea into that full or near-full glass of water?

Here are some suggestions for creating capacity for others to hear you:

• Choose your timing – Growing up, we had a rule in our home. Never ask Dad for anything before he’d had his dinner. Now, it was the ‘80s, and there was undoubtedly some sort of gendered double-standard in there, as both of my parents were working. But that’s not the point. The point is that it taught me about the importance of timing conversations for when people are more likely to receive them well. It’s partly strategic and also partly a matter of respect for the other person’s psychological state. By noticing how full the other person’s glass seems to be (and even asking them, if we are unsure), we can better align our conversations with their capacity to engage in them.

• Help them to empty their glass – If a person’s cognitive capacity is full, anything you can do to reduce that will create more capacity for them to hear you, in the same way as deleting all of those cat photos from your iPhone will enable you to take more cat photos (or is that just me?!). One way to do this is by asking or allowing them to speak first. Once they have offloaded what is on their mind, they are more likely to have space to take in what you have to say.

• Minimise external distractions – These days, most of us live in an overstimulated, even hypervigilant, state. We are incredibly prone to distractions. These distractions can have "fill the glass" even when our cognitive load is relatively low. So if you want to be heard by someone, try speaking with them at a time and in a place where distractions are minimal. (That said, some distractions seem to operate as “white noise” and can actually help people to focus – for example, the background chatter in a busy café or the external noises when taking a “walking meeting” in a park.)

2. Willingness: Do they want to hear you?

Even if someone has the capacity to hear you, they may not be willing to do so.

This unwillingness could show up directly or indirectly in the form of:

• rejection: when they refuse or decline to speak with you (“I’m too busy to talk”)

• avoidance: when they won’t take/return your phone calls or respond to your emails

• resistance: when they appear to be listening but are doing so with a closed (or even oppositional) mindset

Think about some of your recent interactions with the people around you. Aside from how busy or preoccupied you were at the time of the conversation (your capacity to hear them), what else made you more or less willing to hear what they were saying?

A person’s willingness to hear you often comes down to their assumptions about how your message or request might affect their concerns. And by “concerns” I mean the things that are important to them – their needs, drivers, interests, fears, doubts, and so on.

To improve the likelihood of being heard, it can be helpful to try and anticipate some of these assumptions ahead of time by asking yourself:

• What concerns might be getting in the way of them hearing me? (And how could you address, or at least avoid triggering, these concerns?)

• What concerns might make them more willing to hear me? (And how could you frame your message to better align with these concerns?)

After working with hundreds of clients to unpack the concerns that are affecting their ability to be heard, the most common one would have to be trust. If you are finding it difficult to be heard by someone, you might consider whether some work needs to be done on building the trust in your relationship. I often think of trust as a bridge that needs to be constructed between two people – and the stronger the bridge, the more weight it can carry.

Also, it’s worth bearing in mind that sometimes the reason others aren’t willing to hear us is that we’re not really willing to hear them. When we are too single-minded (read: forceful) about our ideas, we can inadvertently trigger the other person's resistance according to the relational equivalent of Newton’s Third Law (“For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction”). Of course, this isn't necessarily intentional and can occur simply due to an excess of enthusiasm. To manage our impact, we might need to pour something out of our own metaphorical glass of water in order to engage in a genuine and meaningful dialogue with the other person – so that we both feel heard.

A final thought…

While there’s a lot that we can do to influence others’ capacity and willingness to hear us, our ability to be heard starts with us feeling confident (and legitimate) in what we have to say. And the more we feel heard, the more we feel encouraged to express ourselves clearly and constructively, without resorting to aggression, manipulation or other potentially destructive tactics. We become a person of influence.

But it has to start somewhere – and that somewhere is with us.

As Victor Hugo said: “Not being heard is no reason for silence.”

Now, over to you... 

What are your challenges when it comes to being heard?

What strategies have you used that make it easier for others to hear you?

I'd love to hear from you!

How to stop comparison from stealing your joy

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to live someone else's life?

After falling down the rabbit hole of the internet (yet again), I recently came across an advertisement featuring an Australian jazz singer whom I’d met at a jazz piano course about 15 years ago. She is currently living in Europe, singing jazz in French, and looking flawlessly beautiful in all of her photos and videos.

Even though I barely know her, I found myself comparing my life to hers. I wondered what it would be like to be that beautiful, that talented and that successful – in other words, to be that perfect. Not surprisingly, I didn’t feel better for the comparison.

A few minutes later, I had to physically shake myself out of my contemplation when I noticed that my mood had dropped. I knew that the comparison was unfair (to both of us) and unhelpful (to me), so why had I allowed myself to engage in it?

Then I realised that I had just experienced an attack of “comparisonitis”. (Ironically, this happened while I was in the process of writing this article - thank you, Universe!)

If you have ever had a similar experience and would like to learn how to manage it more effectively, please read on...

What is "comparisonitis"?

Comparisonitis is that feeling you experience when you receive news of someone else’s achievement or success and, instead of (or despite) feeling happy for them, you end up comparing yourself to them – usually unfavourably.

It presents as a sense of resistance and can range from mild resentment to full-blown envy, jealousy or even shame. It’s usually accompanied by a generous side-serving of self-doubt.

While commonly attributed to social media, it can also arise in other social situations such as networking events, family gatherings, and high school reunions – any time when people tend to share brief “status updates” about their lives.

Why do we compare ourselves to others?

Humans are social animals.

We are hardwired to engage in certain behaviours that promote social cohesion, which includes comparing ourselves to others in order to monitor and manage our place in the social hierarchy. So it is normal to compare ourselves to others.

The problem is that it’s rarely a fair comparison. It tends to overlook the complete and unique circumstances of both people and, in doing so, erode our individuality.

Comparisonitis often highlights an insecurity in the person making the comparison – a sense of not being “good enough” – and can exacerbate that insecurity with the guilt of not feeling generous enough to celebrate the other person’s success. It can also drive a wedge between friends, colleagues and family members when heartfelt congratulations are withheld or tempered as a result of this insecurity.

As Theodore Roosevelt put it: “Comparison is the thief of joy.”

And I would add: “…on so many levels.”

So, with all of that said, would it surprise you to learn that comparisonitis also bears a gift?

As with so many so-called “negative” experiences in life, I have discovered that you can use comparison for your benefit. Here's how.

What is the gift of comparisonitis?

The gift of comparisonitis is that it tells us what is important to us. It is a marker of our needs, values and priorities. It is like a signal being sent up from the depths of our subconscious mind to remind us that something we care about is at stake.

But in order to fully explore and embrace this gift, we must choose to be curious.

Curiosity creates the opportunity for us to learn from the comparison rather than using it as a form of self-flagellation.

For example:

What if you’re feeling unsettled by a friend’s recent promotion?

Upon noticing your discomfort, you can use it as a prompt to shift into curiosity and ask yourself: "Why is this bothering me?" Perhaps it is highlighting your own discontent in your current role and could instead motivate you to apply for that job you’ve always wanted. In other words, use the comparisonitis to find out what you really want and invest your energy in moving towards that rather allowing it to damage your friendship.

At a deeper and even more powerful level, comparisonitis is an opportunity to practice self-acceptance and self-compassion. By accepting yourself as you are, you can unlock considerable energy to become the person you wish to be.

On the other hand, have you ever found yourself wondering whether there’s something wrong with you because you don’t want what others have?

Sometimes comparisonitis can be triggered when we see others making choices that are different to our own – especially when their choices represent the “norm” in your country, culture or community. I have experienced this form of comparisonitis quite a bit over the past few years as my commitment to being true to myself has led me to take the "road less travelled" in certain areas of my life. And yet that doesn't mean I don't occasionally compare my life to what "might have been".

In this case, the comparison could simply reveal a need to feel accepted in your society and is another opportunity to practice self-acceptance and self-compassion. It is also an opportunity to affirm your own priorities and step forward in courage to live and enjoy them.

These are just a few examples of the gifts of comparisonitis.

Next time you find yourself experiencing an "attack of comparisonitis", here are some questions that might help you to unearth its gift:

1. To whom are you comparing yourself?

First of all, get specific about the comparison so you know what you’re dealing with.

2. Is this a fair comparison?

Consider whether you’re taking into account your complete circumstances and the other person’s complete circumstances.

We often compare our “insides” (our internal experience, with all its messiness) with others’ “outsides” (the edited, maybe even Photoshopped, veneer that others present to the outside world). As pastor Steven Furtick puts it: “The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel.” This is clearly an unfair and even damaging comparison.

I'm not suggesting that you perform an inventory of your life every time you feel triggered by someone else’s success. On the contrary, this is about reminding yourself that no two individuals are exactly the same and so any comparison is ultimately futile.

3. Is this a helpful comparison?

As mentioned earlier, comparisonitis can highlight a need, value or priority that wants to get your attention. But sometimes it flares up out of habit – based on something that used to be, but is no longer, important to you.

In the latter case, the comparison is probably not that helpful. So are you willing to let it go?

4. What is the gift in this comparison?

If this comparison relates to something that is important to you, how could you use it to move forward in your own life?

What could it inspire you to do or be?

How could you use it as a learning opportunity?

And if the comparison were trying to teach you something, what would it be?

“Every minute you spend wishing you had someone else's life is a minute spent wasting yours.” (Unknown)

Where does comparisonitis show up in your life? And how do you deal with it?

Now I'm off to go and enjoy some jazz...

What "The Lion King" can teach us about leadership

Warning: This article contains spoilers. LOTS of spoilers.

In three weeks’ time (that’s 21 sleeps!), the remake of The Lion King will be released in Australia.

I am VERY excited about this.

Not just because it features the voices of two of my personal heroes (Beyoncé and John Oliver), and not just because it’s based on one of the most spectacular nature documentaries of all time (!), but also because I recently discovered that it’s a film about leadership.

When the original film was released in 1994, I was in Year 12. I saw it three times at the cinema and was so obsessed with it that my classmates bestowed upon me the title of “Lion Queen” at our valedictory dinner. (Seriously!)

Twenty-five years later, I realised that what I thought was a fairly simple tale about loss, love and adventure also contains some powerful lessons about stepping up and being the leader you were born to be.

Here are some of them:

1. Real leaders LEAD

One of the most fundamental leadership lessons in The Lion King is that leadership is less about title (positional power) and more about action (personal power).

While Mufasa makes a point of informing young Simba about the order of succession and his birthright as king, the story demonstrates that simply holding a title doesn’t necessarily make them a leader. When Scar manipulates young Simba into fleeing the kingdom so that he (Scar, as second-in-line to the throne) can take over, he assumes the leadership position but does not take any leadership action. This results in the degradation of the savannah and the near-starvation of his “people”.

Ultimately, Scar is rejected as a leader and betrayed by his closest allies (the hyenas). Simba, on the other hand, demonstrates his leadership through action rather than relying on his royal pedigree, and the kingdom is restored.

2. Real leaders are courageous (when it matters)

Early on, Simba gets himself (and Nala) into a dangerous situation with the hyenas. His father, King Mufasa, comes to their rescue at the last minute.

After the incident, Mufasa sees an opportunity for a “teachable moment” and gives Simba a firm (yet compassionate) lecture about the importance of obedience. When Simba explains that he was only trying to be brave like his father, Mufasa says, “I’m only brave when I have to be.”

This scene highlights an important distinction between fearlessness and courage. As as lion, and as the King, Mufasa is assumed to be fearless. But, as he explains to Simba, “Even kings get scared”.

Mufasa demonstrates that being a leader is not so much about having a large comfort zone - it’s about having the courage to take action outside that zone when the occasion calls for it. (He adds that it’s not about looking for trouble, as Simba had done.)

The theme of courage returns later in the movie when Simba prepares to return to Pride Rock after a period of exile.

Simba is weighed down by the guilt and shame of believing that he is responsible for his father’s death. (It isn’t until the end of the film that Simba learns that Mufasa was actually murdered by his jealous, power-hungry brother, Scar.) He tells Rafiki (the royal knowledge-keeper with the bright blue butt), “Going back means that I’ll have to face my past.”

Rafiki helps shift Simba’s perspective on his past by demonstrating to him that it can be an important source of learning. He says, “Oh yes, the past can hurt. But, the way I see it, you can either run from it or learn from it.”

This enables Simba to step into his true power as leader - not by virtue of his lineage but through his willingness to overcome his fears.

3. Real leaders step up and take responsibility

I hate to break it to you, but Hakuna Matata is a cop-out.

For several years, I enjoyed Hakuna Matata as an uplifting interlude after the seriously heart-breaking death of Mufasa. I didn’t realise that this “problem-free philosophy” was (at least partly) holding Simba back from being a leader.

When Timon and Pumbaa first meet young Simba, he is broken from the experience of seeing his father killed by a herd of running wildebeest. In Hakuna Matata (it means, “no worries”), Timon and Pumbaa create a safe space for Simba to heal from the traumatic experience that sent him fleeing from his family and community. It’s light and fun, and it’s exactly what Simba needs at that time.

But later, when (as adults) Nala encounters Simba and challenges him on why he stayed away from Pride Rock for so long, “hakuna matata” becomes a weak excuse. “Sometimes bad things happen and there’s nothing you can do about it,” Simba says, “so why worry?”

Nala quickly calls him out on this and reminds him that it is his responsibility, prompting Simba to reflect on where his priorities lie.

4. Real leaders are authentic

One of the most powerful and poignant scenes is when Simba is grappling with the decision about whether to return to fight his uncle Scar and claim his rightful place as King of Pride Rock. Mufasa appears to Simba as an apparition and tells him, “You are more than what you have become”, before reminding him that he is Mufasa’s son and therefore “the one true king”.

As the apparition disappears, Mufasa’s parting words are: “Remember who you are…”

On the surface, this could be interpreted as a simple reminder of Simba’s royal heritage and birthright as a leader. But perhaps there’s a deeper meaning to consider.

In a world where leadership is no longer based on lineage (except in some limited circumstances), “Remember who you are” could be interpreted as a call to exercise authentic leadership. It could be a reminder to tap into our true selves (not the masks that we might be inclined to put on in professional or social situations) and lead in a way that is aligned with our values and sense of personal integrity.

5. Real leaders serve their people

One of the most important leadership themes in The Lion King is less explicit than those mentioned above – the theme of service.

When Simba is a cub, Mufasa tries to impart upon him that they are all part of the circle of life. He says, “Everything you see exists together in a delicate balance. As king, you need to understand that balance, and respect all the creatures - from the crawling ant to the leaping antelope.”

Later, Simba’s journey culminates with the realisation that he must return to Pride Rock in order to serve (and save) his community, which has been suffering under Scar's ego-driven rule.

As Mufasa put it: “There’s more to being a king than getting your way all the time.” 

***

Who would have thought that a “children’s film” could pack such a powerful punch?

Now, I’m curious…

What other films have inspired you as a leader?

How to inspire others to be their best

“You got this!”

Have I inspired you yet?

I didn’t think so. But judging by how often I hear this phrase, you’ll forgive me for thinking that it might actually be effective.

Maybe I’ve been spending too much time on social media, but it seems like the “inspiration industry” is everywhere. Every day, we are bombarded with books, movies, podcasts, blogs, events, memes, videos, quotes, articles, and so on that urge us to be our “best selves” and live our “best lives”. And some of this is nice and makes us feel good, temporarily. But is it really having any lasting impact? Or is it just entertainment?

If we have virtually unlimited access to “inspiration”, then why are so many of us feeling worn down, burned out, stressed, anxious, and depressed? Why aren't we climbing more metaphorical mountains? Why aren’t we more inspired?

Inspiration is an inside job

My theory is that our concept of inspiration is flawed – or, at the very least, incomplete.

The inspiration industry has conditioned us to look for inspiration outside ourselves, when real inspiration comes from within. Our job - as leaders, coaches, parents, and decent human beings - is not to force someone to accept our inspiration as a substitute for their own; it is to provide the conditions that enable their own spark to ignite.

Ready for the good news? (“Are you really ready? Rah-rah!” Just kidding.)

The key to inspiring someone (including yourself) is simpler than you think.

To inspire others to be their best, we must first accept them as they are. In doing so, we create a space of psychological safety that, in itself, can be profoundly inspiring.

If that sounds counterintuitive, let me explain…

My search for inspiration 

A few weeks ago, I was feeling stuck; really stuck. I’d been struggling with a personal issue for months and finally agreed to meet with a family friend (a “wise elder” type) for a cup of tea and a chat. Confused and frustrated, I was doubtful that our conversation would change anything. After all, I'd been grappling with this situation for months, so what difference could she possibly make in an hour?

We met in her kitchen. Throughout our conversation, she (let’s call her Irene) did not offer me any advice. She did not try to challenge my thinking. She did not attempt to persuade me of anything. And yet, within no more than five or ten minutes, I started to feel calm and centred. Somehow the confused, teary, constricted “me” who drove to that appointment transformed into the strong, insightful, courageous “me”, and I started to see my problem in a new light. Although my circumstances had not changed, my perspective certainly had.

I felt inspired!

This wasn’t just the temporary emotional high that you might get when someone tells you they believe in you. This was a deep sense of clarity and trust that told me that I was in the perfect place to take the next step, whatever that might be.

So how did this turnaround occur?

Well, maybe Irene slipped something into my tea while I wasn’t looking. Or maybe – as I believe – she had tapped into the power of acceptance. 

Acceptance is a powerful state

In my work as an ontological coach, we talk about acceptance as a mood that occurs when we accept the things that we cannot change. We may not necessarily like what’s happening, but we choose to be at peace with how things are in the moment. This mood is captured by the saying, “It is what it is.”

So why is acceptance so powerful?

Well, first, it’s important to recognise that humans are fundamentally emotional beings. We’d like to think that we are entirely rational, but science (in particular, the work of neuroscientist Antonio Damasio) tells us that this is not the whole story.

All moods are powerful because they operate like presets for our behaviour. When we’re angry (or hangry!), we’re more likely to engage in certain behaviours than when we’re sad. We can override those presets, but it can take considerable self-awareness and effort. So if we want to inspire someone, we need to shift their mood.

The reason acceptance is such a powerful mood is that:

1. When we’re in a mood of acceptance, we not fighting against things that we can’t change (whether physically or psychologically). This frees up a lot of energy that would otherwise be pouring into the black hole of our frustration, anger, and resentment.

2. When we free up this energy – especially in the form of attention (mental energy) – we access a space of neutrality that enables us to be open to new possibilities.

Now, some people find the mood of acceptance a little hard to – um, accept!

To be clear, acceptance is not the same as agreement. For example, you may not like the fact that a certain person or political party has been elected into office. But if you don’t accept it, then you’re battling against reality – and that’s a battle you’re going to lose.

The power of acceptance lies in its ability to eliminate unnecessary distractions (things we can’t change) and redirect our attention to what really matters (things we can change).

How to create a mood of acceptance in others

While we can’t control another person’s mood, we can certainly influence it.

Emotions are highly contagious. When we are in a mood of acceptance, we can trigger this state in others through a mechanism that involves their “mirror neurons”. (We are doing this all the time, unconsciously. The trick is to do it deliberately.) 

During my conversation with Irene, her state of acceptance towards me triggered a deep level of self-acceptance in me that freed up my attention to look for possibilities rather than rally against my present circumstances.

Reflecting on our conversation, I identified five things that Irene did that you might consider adopting as practices for promoting a mood of acceptance in your conversations:

1. Being present – You can’t control your mood (or influence others' moods) if your mind is elsewhere. To use a computing analogy, presence is having only one window open on your screen at a time. In a world where attention is a scarcer resource than money or even time, presence can be a game-changer in your ability to inspire others. [More: How to cultivate authentic presence]

2. Resisting the temptation to judge – When you feel like someone is judging you or analysing what you’re saying with a critical lens, it can unconsciously influence you to edit your words (and even your thoughts). In this case, Irene came to the conversation without any apparent agenda, opinions, judgments, or otherwise. This helped me to feel safe to think freely and clearly in a way that I hadn’t been able to with others. It enabled me to access the best version of myself and my own wisdom.

3. Being curious – Despite having the advantage of a few decades of life experience beyond mine, Irene didn't try to impose her own life experience on me. She had the humility to stay curious, asking occasional questions to help me explore and expand my perceptions. I didn’t feel like I had to justify myself or impress her or seek her approval in any way (which is my Achilles heel, going back a loooong way). I could be completely open with her and myself. [More: How to kick your addiction to certainty]

4. Avoiding unsolicited advice – Humans are natural problem-solvers. When someone’s in trouble, it’s all too easy to dish out advice (as I’m doing here – irony duly noted!) without considering the longer-term impact of this approach. Of course, in some contexts, advice can be appropriate and even necessary – for example, when the other person has no relevant experience or in an emergency. But giving advice, especially when someone hasn't asked for it, can unintentionally undermine them and erode their confidence to make wise decisions for themselves. Instead, it can be helpful to ask questions that enable them to connect with their own resourcefulness.

5. Seeing the best in others – Sometimes, it can be hard to inspire others when we lose sight of their ability to learn and grow. We take a "fixed mindset" approach, believing that who they are now is who they'll always be. If that’s the case, then reminding yourself of their capacity to learn could make all the difference. By adopting a growth mindset, you can acknowledge where they are and choose to trust in their ability to get to where you'd like them to be (with guidance and support).

A client once told me, "People don't change!" But they can and they do. And, paradoxically, change is much more likely and easier when we start by accepting people as they are.

To quote the great philosopher, Katy Perry:

“Acceptance is the key to be truly free.”

***

In my work as a coach, I often refer to the chrysalis as a metaphor for the space and protection we need when we were undergoing a process of transformation. When we hold a space of acceptance for others, we are providing them with a sort of psychological cocoon that keeps them safe while they are transforming themselves – their perspective, their mindset, their way of being. For me, this is what it really means to inspire someone.

Who needs your inspiration – and acceptance – right now?

How to live a more creative life

People talk about “life imitating art” -- and it really does.

Last week, the abundance of public holidays inspired me to pull out my treasure chest of art supplies and start playing. My mother is a talented artist, so I grew up painting and drawing. I was quite prolific until Year 9, when one of my art teachers told me that my work was “not creative enough”. (Can you relate to this?) Since then, I’ve dabbled here and there but rarely allowed myself to immerse myself in it completely -- until a few days ago.

As I reacquainted myself with my paints and brushes, I noticed how the process of creating art is similar to most creative activities -- including creating a business (which I’m also doing) and, more broadly, creating a life that we are proud to live. That led me to consider how adopting a "creative mindset" could help us to live more authentic, meaningful and colourful lives.

From the canvas to the keyboard, here are some insights on being an artist in your own life:

1. The hardest part is starting

Staring at a blank canvas can be terrifying. Why? My theory is that it’s because that first mark is a form of commitment -- and many people are afraid of making commitments because they think they're permanent and can't be changed (even though they don’t always act on them in the same way!). They judge their first attempt as if it should be their best work. In other words, they approach art with a fixed mindset.

Art is a constant process of learning. By giving ourselves permission to be a learner -- regardless of our level of experience or assumptions about our innate talent -- we free ourselves to experiment and learn/improve as we go.

2. You can't really fail because you can (almost) always build on your mistakes

The other day, I painted what I intended to be an abstract representation of the Sun. (I like the Sun.) It ended up looking more like a pepperoni pizza. (I love pizza, but not on my wall.)

I was tempted to throw it out, but then my mother encouraged me to paint over it. It turns out that "real" artists are constantly tweaking their work -- shaping it and changing it over weeks, months and even years. And when the "mistakes" are more substantial, you can usually paint over them. This isn’t about obliterating your mistakes -- it’s about building on them. The “failed” layer underneath is what gives texture and nuance to the new layer above. (And it's much better for the environment!)

3. The key to great art is "differences"

Although we might disagree on what constitutes great art, we can probably agree that great art is interesting. And the key to making interesting art (as I learned from a YouTube tutorial) is “differences”.

Art that is composed of elements that are too similar tends to be -- well, boring. Professional artists use differences in the elements -- that is, differences in size, shape, colour, value (tone), texture, etc -- to create contrast and tension. They also take care to balance these differences to avoid visual chaos. So if you want your art to be impactful and memorable, mix it up a little!

4. Art encourages us to be mindful

It is very difficult to paint (or draw or sculpt, etc) unless you are fully present. So, in a way, art is meditation in action -- which is great news for those of us who find it hard to sit still for more than two minutes.

And like more traditional forms of mindfulness, it changes the way you see. You notice details, nuances, subtleties that you would otherwise miss in the busyness of life. It makes you a better observer -- and the better (more accurate) your observations, the more choices you have about how you respond to them.

5.  Art is messy!

And that’s part of the fun. What doesn’t wash out becomes a testament to your creativity.

6.   The best art comes from the heart

In the end, my high school art teacher was probably right -- I wasn’t particularly creative back then because I wasn’t coming from my heart. Having experienced a fair bit of bullying/racism growing up, I learned to compartmentalise my emotions rather than express them freely. Only relatively recently have I learned to really feel my emotions again -- and this is bringing greater clarity, authenticity and originality to both my art and my life.

7. Art takes courage

French post-Impressionist painter Henri Matisse made this observation -- and he's right.

Art involves a journey into the unknown. When we're young, we're taught to "colour inside the lines". But great art -- art that moves people and inspires change -- takes risks for the purpose of communicating an idea. To do this, we have to accept that not everyone will like or appreciate our work. Great art tends to polarise people (for example, I love Salvador Dalí's work but some find it offensive) -- but that's why it's so powerful. It forces us into our emotions and those emotions aren't always comfortable -- but they are what make us human.

Now, here's a call to action:

If you're dissatisfied with any aspect of your life, consider how these insights might apply to it -- whether it's your career, your business, your side-hustle, your work project, your client meetings, or... Well, you get the picture (pun intended!).

How can you bring more creativity into your own life?

Where the spirit does not work with the hand, there is no art.

~Leonardo da Vinci

How to strengthen your most important relationship

Love it or loathe it, Valentine’s Day has managed to stand the test of time (for over 1,500 years!) and has become a permanent fixture on calendars around the world.

For those who are single or have a healthy disdain for “Hallmark holidays”, it’s tempting to roll our eyes in frustration.

But what if we could repurpose Valentine’s Day as an opportunity to take stock of and celebrate our most important relationship – the one we have with ourselves? 

***

For most of my life, the idea of having a relationship with myself was completely unfathomable. It reminded me of that Sex & The City episode in which Carrie pretends to marry herself so that she can get her friend to buy her a pair of expensive shoes to replace the ones she’d lost at that friend’s party. Yeah – I wasn’t buying it (pardon the pun).

But then I broke up with my inner critic.

As I learned to distance myself from my inner critic and (gradually) amplify and connect with my inner coach, I began to see how the way we relate to ourselves is analogous to how we relate to others. And, perhaps more importantly, how the way we treat others is often a reflection of how we treat ourselves.

For example, as I became less critical of myself, I also became less critical of others. As I became more compassionate towards myself, I began to feel more heartfelt compassion towards others. And, in reverse, as I became better at establishing boundaries with others, the better I became (and am becoming!) at establishing boundaries with myself.

Having been brought up to “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you”, I realised that the reverse might also be helpful: “Do unto yourself what you would do unto others.”

Since then, I've discovered a whole range of strategies for proactively building a stronger relationship with myself - the result being greater confidence, productivity and wellbeing.

Here are some of the highlights that I'd love to share with you:

1. Know who you are (SELF-AWARENESS)

The first stage of any healthy relationship involves getting to know the other person (even though certain reality TV shows would have you believe otherwise!). Similarly, a healthy relationship with yourself requires you to know who you really are.

At a practical level, this is about having a clear understanding of your own psychological wiring. What are your strengths? What are your triggers? What excites you? What are you afraid of? What is your potential?

Self-awareness is not something you “set and forget”; it’s a life-long practice that involves becoming better observers of our own behaviour, the mindset (way of being) that generates it, and the impact we have on others and our environment.

2. Accept yourself as you are (SELF-ACCEPTANCE)

You’re a work in progress and always will be. And that’s not just okay – it’s wonderful!

Self-acceptance gives you the freedom to explore new possibilities (for example, I would like to become more patient) without condemning yourself for what you might otherwise regard as your flaws or shortcomings. And when you accept yourself as you are, there’s no need to pretend to be anything you’re not. This leads to greater authenticity, clearer communication (because you’re not afraid to say what you mean), and the ability to build trust (both with yourself and others) more effectively.

3. Recognise your own legitimacy (SELF-RESPECT)

Self-respect is an overused term that is often thrown around with scant appreciation for what it really means or involves. That’s why the concept of “legitimacy” is so valuable.

In ontological coaching, “legitimate self” and “legitimate other” are terms used to describe the idea that, as individuals, we are equally valid – neither better nor worse. While this is notoriously challenging to apply in practice (our society is rife with standards that we use to delegitimise ourselves and others), it is worth considering how you might be holding yourself as “less than” or “not enough”.

How are you eroding your own legitimacy? What impact is this having on you, your relationships and your life? What would be different in your life if you could recognise yourself as legitimate?

The starting point for self-empowerment is self-respect.

4. Establish healthy boundaries with yourself (SELF-DISCIPLINE)

Having a great relationship is not all sunshine and roses. There are times when it’s hard work! And just as our interpersonal relationships benefit from commitment and accountability, so too does your relationship with yourself.

What commitments are you not making to yourself? How might you be letting yourself down by not holding yourself accountable to the commitments you have made?

If you have trouble keeping your commitments to yourself, it may be helpful to distinguish between your current self and your future self. What might your future self experience as a result of your current self doing or not doing something that has longer-term implications? For example, when I'm tempted to sleep in instead of get out of bed for an early morning yoga class, I remind myself that “future me” will feel the benefits of me going (not to mention the ill-effects if I don’t go). It may also be worth exploring your motivational style.

5. Be kind to yourself (SELF-COMPASSION)

A common trait I’ve observed in high-achievers (especially women, it would seem) is that they are incredibly hard on themselves. When I ask them whether they would talk to their child or a good friend the way they talk to themselves, they are appalled. “Of course not!” Which begs the questions: “Then why are you treating yourself that way?”

What makes you any less deserving of the decency and compassion you extend to others? (See SELF-RESPECT)

6. Take care of your own needs (SELF-CARE)

This is also a natural extension of self-respect, but if that’s not enough to convince you… consider the oxygen mask analogy. (Put your own mask on before you help others, because how can you help others if you’ve passed out?)

For some, self-care has become associated with massages and bubble baths, but it’s much more than that. It’s about being in tune with your own needs and taking care of them as best you can. This includes prioritising your physical, emotional and mental health – for example, getting enough rest, eating well, exercising, and so on. It also extends to the way you interact with the world – honouring your boundaries, treating yourself with kindness and generosity, and avoiding toxic relationships and situations.

7. Love yourself unconditionally (SELF-LOVE)

Ah, finally – the big one: self-love. This is one of the hardest aspects of any relationship. How can you love someone when they’re not exactly who you want them to be?

For many, many years, I thought that self-love came from racking up a list of achievements that I could refer to as proof of my own worthiness. It was only when that list got to a considerable length that I realised how little it mattered. The bar kept getting higher; the list would never be long enough. And so I discovered that real self-love is when you love yourself regardless of the list – and despite the sometimes longer list of all the mistakes you’ve made, the people you’ve hurt, and the times you’ve failed. As Maya Angelou said, “Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.”

***

Ultimately, the cumulative effect of these improvements is that you are more in alignment with yourself. There's no gap between the private “you” and the public “you”. This frees up a significant amount of energy that you can then invest in being a better leader, colleague, parent, daughter/son, friend, and citizen. And, if that’s not enough, IT FEELS GOOD!

Over to you...

Which aspect of your relationship with yourself would you like to celebrate?

Which aspect would you like to strengthen?

What would be different in your life if you had a better relationship with yourself? 

***

Want to learn more?

I'm looking forward to running some half-day workshops that will explore some of these concepts in more depth and bring them to life in a way that you can apply immediately. The first pair of workshops are as follows:

• “Breaking Up With Your Inner Critic” on Wednesday 3 April 2018 will help you to break free of the limitations of your critical internal voice

• “Connecting With Your Inner Coach” on Wednesday 10 April 2018 will help you to activate and connect with the support of your nurturing internal voice

While each workshop is designed to stand alone, they also complement each other. You are encouraged to join both workshops but are welcome to choose one or the other.

Please click the links above for details and to register for the workshops.

I hope to see you there!

Chyonne Kreltszheim is an ontological coach and facilitator who helps people to transform their “way of being” in the context of their leadership, career and life. She is the founder of Being: the Change.

 Change Your Mind ~ Change Your Life ~ Change Your World

How to protect your most valuable asset (hint: it’s about time)

How do you protect your home from intruders and thieves (and nosy neighbours)?

Does your home have walls? Is there a lock on the front door? A doorbell? Maybe a fence of some description? Have you got a security system (electronic alarm, scary dog, etc)?

If you’re like most people reading this article, you probably take at least some basic measures to safeguard the privacy and security of your home.

So why don’t you do this with your time? (And if you do, why are you reading this article?)

I was coaching a client last year when we unexpectedly stumbled upon the idea of protecting your time the way you protect your physical property.

Like so many others, my client was struggling to juggle the competing demands on her time, which had multiplied since taking on a senior leadership role. She had recently been away on a family holiday, and her frustration was plainly evident as she recounted how her precious time had been interrupted by calls and emails about matters that weren’t (in her view) urgent.

As an ontological coach, I am trained to explore a client’s “way of being” — rather than just what they are doing — to improve their effectiveness as leaders and influencers. After all, most of us know how to do time management — from the Urgent/Important matrix, to Getting Things Done, to (more recently) Bullet Journalling, we are not short on methodologies for managing our time. And yet many people aren’t applying what they know, which suggests that the issue is in their way of being.

One of the ways that a person’s “way of being” might be revealed is through their use of metaphors. Metaphors are powerful linguistic devices that are laden with meaning and can reveal layers of latent assumptions and beliefs about a person or situation.

In this case, my client’s metaphor came to the surface when, thoroughly exasperated, she said: “I’m so sick of people stealing my time!”

This offhand comment opened up a juicy discussion — not least of all about what my client could do to protect her time from being stolen in the future. And, you can too, if you choose to adopt some of the insights below.

If time is “property”, how do we protect it?

If we extend the metaphor of “time theft”, it seems that we can protect our time the same way (metaphorically speaking) that we would protect our physical property — by installing and maintaining a psychological security system.

Here are some of the insights that emerged from our discussion about what this might involve (with thanks to my client for her permission to share this):

1. Taking OWNERSHIP of your time: Before you can protect your time, you have to realise that you “own” it. People often give their time away without thinking about it because they assume that others are automatically entitled to it or because they are afraid of rocking the boat. But you — and only you — can choose what you do with your time. Of course, most of us are in relationships (with employers, colleagues, clients, partners, family, friends, etc) that involve an expectation that we will spend certain amounts of time in certain ways. The key is to negotiate those expectations consciously and from a position of power (ownership) over your own time. More on that below.

2. Installing appropriate BOUNDARIES: Dr Henry Cloud describes boundaries as “a personal property line that marks those things for which we are responsible”. In this context, it’s about choosing to be responsible for your time and how you prioritise (and balance) requests for that time. For example: Do you carve out time each day to focus on your high priority projects or are you constantly available to “drop-ins” and other interruptions? Are you available for phone calls and emails during meetings/after business hours/while you’re on holiday — or do you set conditions or limits? When someone asks for your help with a problem, do you immediately assume responsibility for solving it or or do you support the other person to discover their own solution? Do you even know what your priorities are? (If your answer is “no”, you’re not alone — but you can do something about this!)

3. Creating GATES in your boundaries: Now you might be wondering how this strategy fits with being accessible and responsive to clients and customers, not to mention in the context of open plan offices and open door policies. Well, that’s where gates come in! A “gate” is essentially an opportunity to treat what might previously have been seen as a demand or obligation and turn it into a request instead. The difference between “demands and obligations” and “requests” is important, because the latter tends to imply that you have more choice in how you respond — and you do.

4. Learning the LANGUAGE of negotiating your boundaries: Richard Bransonfamously encouraged us to “say yes — then learn how to do it later”. But this doesn’t mean we should always say yes! It can be tempting to treat “yes” as your default response, especially if you identify as a “people pleaser” or are in a role that requires you to be helpful and accommodating. But this can be a fast track to feeling overwhelmed — and ultimately unproductive — so it’s important to avail yourself of other responses from time to time, such as “no”, “not now”, or even “not that, but how about this”. And once you’ve negotiated a boundary, it’s important to stand by it — even though you might feel guilty or uncomfortable in some cases.

5. Employing a SENTRY: There’s no point in having a 10 metre high security fence if you constantly leave the front gate open! Boundaries only work if you remember to use them. In psychological terms, this is about being mindful enough to realise when someone is knocking at your door and present enough to respond thoughtfully rather than automatically. This is difficult when you’re operating on autopilot, so (again) mindfulness is the key. When faced with a request, take a pause and give your conscious mind (your sentry) time to catch up and consider before responding.

6. Noticing when the ALARM goes off — and responding accordingly:You’re not always going to get it ‘right”, and others are going to commit trespass from time to time (just as you will with them). And like the flashing light or high-pitched alarm of an electronic security system, your psychological security system uses your emotions (typically, resentment, frustration and anger) to tell you that your boundaries have been breached. The problem is that many of us have learned to ignore the signal. We swallow our irritation and complain to others about how so-and-so is imposing on our time, when we could be using our emotions to signal the need for a more constructive conversation with that person. With increased awareness of how your alarm system operates, you can expand your range of choices for responding more effectively.

It takes courage to create boundaries and mindfulness to maintain them.

It’s not necessarily easy, but the benefits of productivity, progress and peace of mind — not to mention the clarity and confidence that comes with taking ownership of your most valuable assets — are, well, invaluable.

The key is to cultivate an underlying “way of being” of feeling legitimate enough to make choices about how you use your time, so that your psychological security system becomes a natural extension of who you are and how you show up in your world.

Would you like to learn more? Are you wondering how to apply these strategies to your own circumstances? Please get in touch and/or subscribe to my blog to be notified about new posts and get access to other valuable resources.

How to motivate yourself without resolutions or goals

I wasn’t going to write a new year-themed post this year.

Let’s face it – the whole “new year, new you” thing is so overdone these days that it’s tempting to dismiss it as a marketing gimmick, much like Valentine's Day.

But then something happened on New Year’s Day that changed my mind…

I did my first parkrun.

If you’re a seasoned runner, that might not sound like much of an achievement. After all, it’s just a 5km community run that occurs in numerous locations around the world every Saturday morning – and, in this case, on New Year’s Day. No big deal.

But, for me, it was a pretty big deal.

Not just because it involved waking up early-ish on New Year’s Day. Not just because I was one of the least athletic people at my school (the whole school!) and did not discover the benefits of running until my thirties. And not just because it had been over seven years since my last organised run.

It was a big deal because I motivated myself to do it without using resolutions or goals.

This might sound slightly blasphemous coming from a coach, but I’m not particularly motivated by goals. I find traditional goal-setting to be quite tedious – it kills my natural enthusiasm and turns my big dreams into dreary obligations (more on that below).

So how did I motivate myself to go running at 8am on New Year's with a bunch of strangers without using a resolution or goal?

I used a story.

The power of stories

In the business world, people are learning to harness the power of stories to influence others. For leaders, stories are a powerful way to inspire and engage their teams, while companies are using storytelling to build brand recognition.

One of the reasons that stories are so powerful is that they allow us to infuse data and logic with emotions. While we might like to think of ourselves as rational beings, it turns out that emotions play a critical role in our decision-making – so much so that people who have lost their neurological capacity for emotion find it difficult (if not impossible) to make decisions.

So clearly stories are powerful when it comes to influencing others. But have you ever thought about how you could use stories to influence yourself?

Our lives are made up of stories. For example: 

• Life stories: the way we make sense of the significant events in our lives and communicate this to others

• Cultural narratives: the stories we have been born into, or absorbed, based on our ethnicity and/or nationality, as well as our gender, generation, profession, and so on

• Opinions: the micro-stories that we tell ourselves and others, often unconsciously, about how we perceive the events, people and circumstances around us

While many of us are not consciously aware of these stories, they are playing out every day - in our self-talk. That’s right – we are constantly telling ourselves stories.

Do any of these sound familiar?

• “I’m not a morning person.”

• “I’m not creative.”

• “I’m an introvert.”

Now these stories are not in themselves problematic until you consider how you are using them. For example:

• “I can’t exercise before work because I’m not a morning person.”

• “I won’t share my ideas with my colleagues because I’m not creative.”

• “I don't do networking because I’m an introvert.”

Our stories are important because they represent our beliefs about what is possible for us and subtly (or not so subtly) influence our behaviour – that is, the actions we’re willing to take to create the life that we want. Thankfully, stories are not set in stone and can be changed using a process known as self-authoring.

(Side note: One of the most debilitating stories I hear as a leadership coach is "I am not a leader." This too is a story that can be changed. It's a huge topic that deserves a separate post, so please subscribe to my blog if you'd like to learn more about this.)

So what was the story that motivated me to run?

You might expect that it had something to do with improving my fitness or losing weight. But it wasn’t – I’d been trying to motivate myself to get back into running for months and those stories hadn’t worked for me.

Instead, it was this: “I like trying new and unusual things.” 

Whaaaaat?

If you're surprised that this story could be so effective, well – so was I! But it ties into a key element of my identity - my story - which relates to curiosity and adventure.

I love learning new things, I love taking on new challenges, and I love doing things that are slightly differently from the norm. While running 5km was not a new experience for me, running first thing on New Year’s Day had enough novelty in it to align with my identity as someone who enjoys trying new and unusual things. (On the other hand, fitness and weight loss are not central to my identity, and didn't motivate me at all.)

Once I saw the alignment between the action of running and my story, I felt a sense of determination that I rarely feel when I set goals. It became a matter of honour!

The importance of knowing what motivates you

I subsequently connected my experience with the motivation styles model developed by Gretchen Rubin and described in her book, The Four Tendencies.

This model suggests that some people are more motivated by outer expectations (their commitments to others) while others are more motivated by inner expectations (their commitments to themselves). On the other hand, some people - referred to as “Rebels” - generally aren’t motivated by expectations, whether outer or inner. For these people (and apparently I am one of them), they are most motivated when something is aligned with their identity. Then the action becomes a matter of self-expression - of being true to themselves.

Now, you may or may not identify as a “Rebel”. But if you are struggling to stick to your resolutions or goals – or if you avoid them altogether – it may be worth trying this strategy.

(By the way, my initial story was only good for the first parkrun. The following Saturday, I used a different story - “I am a creature of habit” - to motivate myself to run again.)

So what is it about a story that makes it effective?

I’ve identified four elements that make a story effective as a motivational tool.

Your story needs to be:

1. Simple: Unlike the stories we tell others, the stories we tell ourselves require no embellishment. A simple story that begins with the words “I am…” will be more memorable than one that is long and complicated.

2. Credible: Your story must be believable to you, even if it isn’t “true” (in the sense of being objectively provable). When we use our past achievements as a yardstick for what is possible in the future, there's a risk that we may limit ourselves to what we've done before. One of the most powerful ways to craft a credible story that inspires us beyond our past achievements is to use a learning-oriented story. For example, "I am willing to learn how to run again and accept that it will be uncomfortable to begin with" would be more credible to a new or lapsed runner than "I am a fit and healthy runner". This is all about using a growth mindset to stretch the boundaries of possibility.

3. Aligned: If your story is not aligned with your values, it could create an internal conflict that leads to indecision and self-sabotage. The key here is to be really honest with yourself about what your values are – not what you think they should be. And be aware that your values can change over time, shaped by your significant life experiences.

4. Action-oriented: Stories that don’t inspire action are merely entertainment (which is why I don't have Netflix!). Does your story inspire you to do something different or is it simply justifying an old pattern of behaviour? It may take some investigation and creativity to find a story that works for you.

Now so far I’ve been assuming that you can connect your desired action to an existing story. But what if you want to do something that you currently believe is “impossible”? Something that isn't grounded in your current reality? Something you are not immediately capable of?

You can write a new story.

It takes courage to write a new story and a degree of effort to practise it into your way of being so that it becomes habitual, but it is also a sign of maturity that you are willing to do so. This is where coaching can be incredibly useful - to help you to challenge your existing stories and create new ones that are aligned with your ideal future, and then provide the accountability and support needed to integrate the new story into your way of being.

The C-B-As of this strategy

1. Clarity: Identify what motivates YOU. If goals and resolutions work for you, fantastic - keep working with them. If not, it doesn't mean you're a flawed human being - you're just motivated differently. Either way, become more observant about what motivates you to take action and be creative in applying those strategies in new and different contexts.

2. Belief: Align your desired change with a personal story that inspires you and that you feel is credible. But don't limit yourself to what you've done before. If your new behaviour is not supported by an existing story, write a new one!

3. Action: Transformation happens when we do something different. While the story strategy is intended to shift your way of being, it's important to translate this from your imagination into action so that your mind can expand its sense of what is possible.

"If you're going to have a story, have a big story, or none at all." ~Joseph Campbell

Chyonne Kreltszheim is an ontological coach and facilitator who helps people to align their "way of being" to unlock their energy, leadership and creativity. She is the founder of Being: the Change.

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Change Your Mind ~ Change Your Life ~ Change Your World

Integrity isn't something you have - it's something you do.

I was preparing to deliver a session on Integrity in Project Delivery this week and was looking for some inspiration… So of course life threw me my very own 'integrity challenge'.

Arriving at a client’s office for an all-day meeting, I pulled into the visitors’ car park and was greeted by a smiling security guard who informed me that there was a two-hour time limit in place. Parking is scarce in the area, and the all-day parking was full, so I told him I’d be back in two hours (which would see me through until morning tea).

When I mentioned this to my client, she said, “Don’t worry about moving your car. You’ll get a note on your windscreen, but there’s no penalty.”

A couple of hours later, I still had a nagging feeling that I was doing something wrong. Even though I wasn’t going to get into “trouble”, I felt really uncomfortable, so I decided to move my car.

On the way out to the car park, I wondered whether the friendly security guard had been a deliberate strategy. (Yes, I do tend to overthink things, but I prefer to think of it as being an astute observer of life!) Rather than intimidating people into compliance, the moment of human connection I'd experienced in that 30-second conversation had created a social contract that I was loathe to break.

When I got out to the car park, the security guard had gone, so I considered leaving my car where it was. But I still felt uncomfortable. What if he came back?

And then I remembered... Integrity!

Integrity is one of those lofty concepts that we can lose sight of in the day-to-day minutiae of life. But, for me in that moment, it came down to this: Am I going to do what I said I would do? Am I going to keep my word? 

I’m not trying to paint myself out to be some kind of saint. Far from it. I make dozens of 'minor compromises' every day - most in the name of convenience and all at the expense of my integrity. But that’s the thing about integrity. It’s not something you have – it’s something you do.

It’s a moment-to-moment choice: Am I going to keep my word or not?

The literal meaning of integrity is to be whole or undivided.

When you don't keep your word, you are divided into the 'you' who says one thing and the 'you' who does another. When you keep your word - regardless of whether anyone's looking or what the consequences might be - you keep yourself whole.

Integrity is a big concept with huge implications, but it is constructed in small moments.

I'm not going to spell out the many ways in which this might apply to you or your team or your organisation. You already know...

(And I moved my car. Just in case you were wondering!)

Finding a cure for imposter syndrome

In every workplace, there lurks a silent killer.

It may not be life-threatening, but it may be killing your productivity, your wellbeing and your confidence.

It affects about 70% of people – usually high achievers – and consumes significant amounts of mental and emotional energy. While not a disorder in the clinical sense, it is associated with anxiety and depression. And, because it seems to disproportionately affect women, there's a good chance that it's contributing to the woeful lack of women in leadership roles.

I’m talking about “imposter syndrome”.

What is imposter syndrome?

If you haven't heard of imposter syndrome before, you could be forgiven for thinking that it's something that happens when a person of dubious intent hacks into your computer and steals your credit card details. But imposter syndrome isn't identity theft (although it can feel a bit like your true identity has been hijacked).

Imposter syndrome is a psychological phenomenon that is usually described as the experience of feeling like an intellectual fraud, despite all evidence to the contrary (e.g. qualifications, achievements and recognition). For some, it is accompanied by an irrational fear of being "found out".

Since when is this a "thing"?

The condition itself isn't anything new. It was identified as "imposter phenomenon" almost 40 years ago by two American psychologists, Pauline Clance and Suzanne Imes, after they noticed a pattern in the thinking and behaviour of 150 highly successful women that they worked with over a five-year period.

Its resurgence in the organisational context seems to be associated with the focus on women in leadership.

You’ve heard the statistics. As I write this:

• Just 5% of CEOs in ASX200-listed companies are women.
• There are 13 ASX200-listed companies that have no female directors at all.
• The ABS reports that only one out of five managers is female.

Studies suggest that imposter syndrome occurs more frequently - and more intensely - in women than it does in men (although this could be because men are less likely to talk about it). And the further women move up the corporate ladder, the more likely they are to question themselves and their abilities.

Having spent most of my career working in and around the construction industry, I’m well-accustomed to being the only female in meetings and feeling like I don’t belong (or, sadly, feeling “privileged” to be there). Throw imposter syndrome into the mix and it's no wonder there are so few females in key leadership roles.

That said, this is not about gender.

But hang on... I'm not a fraud!

I get it. The word "fraud" doesn't resonate with me either.

It seems to me that imposter syndrome is suffering from a marketing problem. Even in 2017, I've talked to several people who still hadn’t heard of it. And, of those who had, only a few were willing to admit that they’d experienced it. I mean, who wants to admit to feeling like a fraud?

But when you look at the common symptoms, it really resonates. We're talking "generalised anxiety, lack of self-confidence, depression, and frustration related to the inability to meet self-imposed standards of achievement". Sound familiar, anyone?

What I've realised though is that the reason I don't identify with the textbook experience of feeling like a fraud is that I've gone to extraordinary lengths to avoid it.

For example, have you ever:

1. felt an almost compulsive need to work harder, put in longer hours and contribute more to prove that you're pulling your weight? (Nothing's ever "good enough".)
2. downplayed your accomplishments because you’re focusing on how imperfect it felt on the inside rather than how impressive it looked to others from the outside? (Not surprisingly, imposter syndrome has been linked to perfectionism.)
3. proactively declared your shortcomings so that no one could call you out on them later? (“I told you I was not as good as you thought I was!”)
4. held yourself back from opportunities, and made excuses about not being qualified enough or skilled enough or experienced enough, because you don’t feel like you deserve them ("I'll ask for that promotion or pay rise when I achieve X...")?
5. doubted the judgment of people who praised you? (Or even questioned their sincerity?)

It’s exhausting.

And the more you achieve, the worse it seems to get. It's a vicious cycle - feel inadequate, work hard, achieve things, feel even more inadequate. Rinse and repeat.

While a bit of self-doubt can provide a valuable check and balance against the excesses of vanity and ego, the problem with imposter syndrome is that most people get caught up in it and believe that it's true. It's a bit like being shrouded in Harry Potter’s invisibility cloak without even knowing that it’s there, let alone how to take it off.

So what's the good news?

The good news is that imposter syndrome doesn't have to be a way of life. Once you become aware of it, you've taken a huge step towards the "cure".

Personally, I've found it useful to think of imposter syndrome as a "way of being".

Your "way of being" is essentially your mindset. By becoming more mindful of your "way of being", you have the opportunity to notice when imposter syndrome is showing up in your life - e.g. in high-stakes meetings, presentations or other circumstances - and the possibility of choosing a different way of being that is more empowering for you.

What does this mean in practice?

The three domains of our "way of being" - Language, Moods and Body

Google "imposter syndrome", and you'll find numerous articles listing strategies for dealing with it. No doubt, many of those strategies are helpful, but they are almost entirely focused on one aspect of our way of being - our thoughts (Language).

The thing is - we are not just our thoughts. Our thoughts are connected to our moods and physiology, and these three elements interact and reinforce each other to create our "way of being" in the way that sleep, nutrition and exercise contribute to our physical health.

So a purely cognitive approach to imposter syndrome is a bit like giving a diabetic a list of foods to avoid but not telling them about the need for exercise.

A more holistic approach would encompass our whole “way of being”.

Here are some suggestions:

1. Language: Notice (and shift) your self-talk

Imposter syndrome is largely embedded in the conversations we have with ourselves - in other words, the negative self-talk that we engage in, largely out of habit.

By becoming more aware of your own internal narrative, you have the opportunity to change it to something more constructive.

For example, a person who is experiencing textbook imposter syndrome might be telling themselves, “Who are you to be applying for this role? You don’t have enough experience. They’re going to laugh at you!” On the other hand, a more supportive dialogue might be: “Good on you for challenging yourself! How can you best prepare yourself for the process?”

Next time you notice those old familiar feelings of self-doubt, ask yourself this: "What would I say to encourage someone I was coaching or mentoring?"

For more: How to break up with your inner critic

2. Moods: Cultivate curiosity

As we advance in our careers, the pressure to demonstrate our competence can sometimes come at the expense of our openness to learning. This can lead to a mood of anxiety, which occurs when we are attached to knowing the outcome of a situation (i.e. getting it “right”) and refuse to tolerate the uncertainty of not knowing.

For example: What if someone asks me a question I can't answer? Will they question my competence?

The antidote to anxiety is curiosity.

You can cultivate curiosity by adopting a learning or growth mindset. Being willing to be a learner requires humility and the courage to say "I don't know", but the payoff is the freedom to discover new ways of looking at old problems.

For more: How to kick your addiction to certainty

3. Physiology: Breathe!

A powerful but often neglected aspect of our "way of being" is our physiology. My working theory is that imposter syndrome occurs when you know intellectually that you are successful, but your body hasn't quite caught up.

By making subtle shifts in our posture and breathing, we can generate significant changes in our thinking and moods.

A simple experiment: Think of a tough problem you've been struggling to solve. Really focus on it and notice where you feel it in your body. Now go for a short walk (even just 5-10 minutes) and focus on breathing into that space. What do you notice? What new insights arise?

For those who have developed strongly engrained habits of thought and/or moods, a physiological approach can be a refreshing alternative to more cognitively-based approaches. People have been telling me to "get out of my head" for years - but until I discovered how to be in my body, I didn't know where else to go!

For more: How to cultivate authentic presence

Where to from here?

If this article resonated with you, I can help.

I'm not a psychologist and I don't have all of the answers, but I have accumulated a substantial toolkit of strategies and techniques that can help you to manage your self-doubt and improve your productivity, wellbeing and confidence.

Some of these strategies are better experienced in person than explained on paper, so I’ve developed a workshop that will equip you with a range of approaches towards curing imposter syndrome in whatever form you might be experiencing it.

The workshop will be held in Melbourne on Wednesday 1 November 2017 and is open to all, regardless of gender. The only prerequisites are an open mind, a courageous heart and a sense of humour! Further details will be released soon, so please get in touch if you'd like to learn more.

By applying these strategies in my own life, I am learning to manage my experience of my self-doubt so that it comes in waves rather than floods, punctuated by periods of joyful creativity, productivity and optimism that are becoming longer and more stable.

And so can you.

How to cultivate authentic presence

“Happy International Yoga Day!”

This is the greeting I received when I arrived at my local yoga studio yesterday morning. While I was tempted to roll my eyes at the relentless proliferation of national and international days of significance (although I did enjoy International Hug Your Cat Day a few weeks ago), the occasion did give me pause for thought as I stretched into my first downward-facing dog at around 7.35am.

Yoga continues to surprise me with its many benefits. Like many things in life, it’s like peeling an onion. Beyond the initial motivation of increasing my strength and flexibility, I’ve discovered a deeper purpose for my practice: cultivating presence.

What is presence?

In the workplace, people usually think of 'presence' as one of those elusive characteristics (like charisma) that helps you to 'win friends and influence people'. We might associate it with a person's height, or stature, or role - or perhaps it's due to their extraverted personality. But look around you, and I'm sure you can think of many people who have presence who don't possess these qualities.

That's because presence is both a quality and a skill.

As I see it, presence is the ability to connect with others and influence them at an unconscious level – and it originates in a very conscious practice of being present.

For a leader to have impact, presence is essential. But it’s not just useful in leadership. Presence is valuable in just about any relationship – with family, friends, clients, and particularly with children. You could say that presence is the glue that binds people together.

The good news is that, because it's a skill, presence can be developed. It may come naturally to some people, but ultimately it’s a choice that becomes a habit.

So how can you increase your presence without getting on a yoga mat?

Based on my yoga experience, I've identified four levels of presence –physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. Whether you choose to develop it ‘on the mat’ or ‘off the mat’, here’s how you can increase your presence in your own life.

1. Physical presence

A basic requirement of yoga practice is that you are physically present. You can’t dial in – you need to be there.

But it’s more than that. Whether it’s maintaining your balance in tree pose or resisting the temptation to fall asleep in corpse pose, the practice of yoga extends a standing invitation to be more fully in your body.

What does this mean?

As a starting point, it means being aware of any sensations in your body – any tension, any aches or pains, any spaciousness, anything at all.

The quickest and easiest way to activate your physical presence is to become aware of your breathing. In yoga, we’re often asked to simply notice the breath – not to change it, but to observe it. Similarly, in life, physical presence means simply noticing how we are in our bodies – not to change it, but to observe it.

Why don’t you try it now?

Take a moment to notice your breath – even just for 30 seconds.

If you have a bit more time, you could do a mental scan of your body. Start with your toes and work your way up to the crown of your head. Don’t judge; just notice.

What did you notice?

You can also practise physical presence in daily activities - e.g. mindful eating - or when socialising, playing with children, or engaging in hobbies.

2. Mental presence

Hands up if you’re an overthinker? (Me too.)

Overthinking suggests a lack of mental presence, which can be a real killer when it comes to our overall presence.

There are two main reasons for this:

1. Most people (and especially overthinkers) tend to have a negativity bias when it comes to their thinking. Our mind is programmed to constantly scan the horizon for threats – and if our physical safety is under control, then we’ll look for other kinds of threats, whether economic, social, emotional, and so on. Negative thinking tends to lead to moods like anxiety and resentment that then have a negative impact on our emotional presence.

2. It is virtually impossible to listen to two people at once and really absorb anything from either conversation. If we’re caught up in our own mental chatter, how can we possibly listen to someone else?

The antidote?

In yoga, we begin to cultivate mental presence by observing the breath. To focus fully on the breath is, by default, to detach our focus from other thoughts. But this isn’t sustainable for most people. Eventually, a thought will arise, and we will probably follow it. So that’s why many mindfulness practices invite us to simply notice our thoughts and let them go, rather than try to resist thinking altogether.

In day-to-day interactions, no one is expecting you to have the mindfulness of a Zen master. But how about taking a moment to focus your mind at the beginning of each interaction?

One way of doing this is to ‘clear your cache’. Our short-term memory is limited, so trying to hold on to too many thoughts is an exercise in futility. It can be helpful to write down anything that you need to remember or come back to. Some say that 95% of our thoughts are repetitive, so you can probably afford to let some of them go!

Take a few moments throughout the day to check in with yourself.

• What are you thinking?

• Is this thought helping you or hindering you?

• If it’s not helping you, could you let it go?

If you want to be really systematic about it, you could adopt one of the practices that my colleagues from Polykala use in their workshops. They get participants to record their thoughts on sticky notes throughout the workshop (which could be over two or three days) and later reflect on any common themes. Onerous, but enlightening!

3. Emotional presence

Emotional presence is two-fold:

1. It’s about being aware of our own moods and emotions, and the impact they may be having on our thinking and behaviour. This aspect of presence requires a foundation of physical presence, as emotions are experienced primarily in the body.

2. It’s about being aware of others’ emotions and using this awareness to connect with them – using empathy.

Professor Antonio Damasio, a neuroscientist at the University of Southern California, has studied the effects of damage to the limbic system (the part of the brain that generates emotions) and has found that it makes decision-making virtually impossible. Patients without a functioning limbic system can weigh the pros and cons of a decision using the neocortex (the rational brain), but they cannot actually decide – even on something as simple as chicken or fish! (Or maybe they were vegetarian?)

Being more emotionally present with ourselves enables us to be aware of what might be motivating our own behaviour, especially when that behaviour might be at odds with our ultimate purpose. As leaders and influencers, emotional presence also enables us to connect with those around us and engage them in a way that is more powerful than using logic or reason alone.

Try this: How are you feeling now?

Emotions can be complex and nuanced, and it not uncommon for people to have trouble naming them. So perhaps begin by identifying where you’re feeling any sensations – in your head, in your throat, in your chest, in your stomach, or elsewhere.

What impact might your emotions be having on you – on your thoughts, decisions and behaviour?

For bonus points: In your next conversation, try to identify how the other person might be feeling. What emotional space do they seem to be in? And how is it affecting their interaction with you?

4. Spiritual presence

The concept of spirituality means different things to people, and for some it doesn’t resonate at all. Let’s just say that spirituality is about having a sense of purpose – something that goes beyond your physical, mental and emotional existence; something that connects all of life and gives it meaning, whether it comes from a divine source or otherwise.

One of the key functions of a leader is the ability to articulate a clear and compelling purpose – in other words, a vision. And to be effective, a leader needs to embody the purpose – to be present to it as much as humanly possible – and inspire a corresponding sense of purpose in others (which is grounded in empathy).

From time to time, ask yourself these questions:

• What is your purpose?

• Why are you doing what you’re doing?

• What impact do you want to have?

Perhaps this sounds a bit too much like hard work...

As the saying goes, being present is “simple, but not easy”. But the rewards are tremendous, in terms of the quality of your relationships and your ability to make an impact in your world. And, as you become more familiar with feeling of presence within you, you may be able to access it within a few minutes.

To summarise:

1. Connect to your breath (physical presence)

2. Be mindful of your thoughts and your listening (mental presence)

3. Acknowledge your own feelings and have empathy for others (emotional presence)

4. Act on purpose, with conscious intent (spiritual presence)

Ultimately, presence is a gift (if you’ll pardon the pun). When we show up fully – physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually – it is a sign of respect, to ourselves and others. And we also create a space for others to do the same.

“As we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.” (Nelson Mandela)

*Ontology is the study of our ‘way of being’, which loosely corresponds to ‘mindset’ and encompasses the domains of Language, Moods/Emotions, and Body. Ontology draws upon the disciplines of linguistics, biology and philosophy to create a unique and exceptionally powerful framework for exploring personal and organisational change.

How to break up with your inner critic

I recently ended a long-term relationship – with my inner critic.

We’ve had some good times together. During law school, my inner critic kept me focused. It guided my career decisions and made sure I did the things I needed to do to earn the approval of my family and colleagues. It cheered me on in my pursuit of achievement. It has been an important source of motivation for me, both personally and professionally.

And we’ve got a long history. Growing up, my inner critic helped me to navigate dangerous and uncertain territory. My inner critic is the one who kept score of all the things and people that had hurt me, so it could steer me away from them (and things like them) in the future. I probably wouldn’t have made it this far without it.

But every healthy relationship needs boundaries – and that’s where the inner critic tends to go awry. What begins as reassuring encouragement turns into relentless perfectionism – nothing is ever good enough. And what starts out as a healthy apprehension of the unknown can become a debilitating denial of possibility.

Like the ‘frenemy’ (the so-called friend who has an uncanny knack for bringing you down), the inner critic’s voice is mired in pessimism. In its attempt to keep us safe, it shuts out the possibility of joy and love.

The problem is that the inner critic is primarily driven by fear, including:

• the fear of failure, which drives us to invest in perfectionism and stops us from taking risks;
• the fear of not belonging, which leads us to hide our uniqueness in order to fit in; and
• the fear of not being good enough, which causes us to settle for less than we deserve.

I remember the day I really started to realise that this relationship had run its course. I had just run a workshop for a client that, by most accounts, had gone extremely well. But my inner critic didn’t think so. My inner critic was focused on troubleshooting all of the parts of the workshop that hadn’t met its standards. “What happened there? You didn’t explain that activity properly.” “You shouldn’t have spent so much time on that section.” “That bit needs more work.” (I can feel my chest tighten as I write this.)

Ultimately, the penny dropped. My inner critic would never be satisfied. Nothing I could do would ever be good enough. And, in the meantime, it was robbing me of the joy of appreciating all that I had achieved. The client loved the workshop! Why couldn’t I enjoy this?

And so: “We. Need. To. Break. Up.”

(I threw in a gratuitous “It’s not you, it’s me” for good measure. My inner critic does have a sense of humour, after all!)

The break-up took some time (and it’s ongoing). When you’ve been in a relationship for that long, it can take a while to end it.

Along the way, I learned some valuable lessons about how to manage the break-up process:

1.    Learn to hear your inner critic

This may go without saying, but the hardest part about breaking up with your inner critic is recognising that it exists. For many people, our inner critic is so ingrained that we don’t even notice it anymore. It’s like we’re watching a movie that begins with a narrator speaking. At first, we hear the narrator’s voice and recognise that it is separate to what’s unfolding on the screen. But at some point the narrator’s voice gives way to the drama, and we lose ourselves in it.

One way to isolate the voice of the inner critic is by journalling. Write down what’s going on in your mind and read it back to yourself. What are you saying to yourself? Would you say those things to someone you loved?

I’ve also realised that my inner critic doesn’t always speak to me directly. Sometimes it projects itself into internal conversations that I’m having with other people – my ‘peanut gallery’, if you like, made up of people whose approval I've been seeking. Becoming aware of this is a huge step towards the next stage…

2.    Recognise that the relationship is no longer serving you

I used to take a certain sort of pride in being a perfectionist. To me, it meant that I had high standards, as well as the strength and determination to strive for them. And, to be fair, this worked for me for many years. But it came at the expense of my happiness. And now, as I explore the opportunities and freedom afforded by what I call a ‘post-conventional career’, my inner critic has become a liability to the extent that it is slowing me down from taking creative risks.

3.    Develop a new relationship to replace the old one

Let’s be honest: it can often be easier to end one relationship when there is another on the horizon. In this case, it was the possibility of developing a relationship with my ‘inner coach’ that enabled me to recognise the limitations of the existing relationship with my inner critic.

But new relationships take time to develop. I am still learning to trust my inner coach. I don’t want to lose the excitement of ambition, but I do want to approach my goals in a more relaxed and flexible manner. It's important for me to be patient as I establish these new parameters with my inner coach.

4.    Honour your inner critic

Once you’ve created some distance between yourself and your inner critic, it’s worth acknowledging some of the benefits that the relationship might have brought you. Like most relationships, it wasn’t all bad.

Recognise and thank your inner critic for their counsel. It always had your best interests at heart, even if it was limited in its appreciation of what those interests are.

5.    Expect to see your inner critic ‘around the traps’

Just because you’ve declared the relationship over doesn’t mean you won’t hear from your inner critic again. Like an ex-boyfriend sending you random text messages to remind you that they are still breathing, your inner critic may recede into the shadows but probably won’t disappear completely.

You might need to be careful when you’re in situations where you are likely to encounter them – for example, when you’re about to give an important presentation, when you’re lying in bed trying to get to sleep, etc.

Simply notice the conversation and choose to disconnect it – and perhaps begin a conversation with your inner coach instead. (“Sorry, inner critic, I’m getting a call on the other line.” *click*)

6.    Give yourself time to heal

The inner critic lives in our thoughts, so make it easier on yourself by doing things that don’t involve a high level of intellectual activity. For some, meditation is the most direct and obvious way to disengage from thinking, but it doesn’t have to be so deliberate.

Just do anything where you can feel completely engaged and ‘in the moment’ – what is often described as ‘flow’. For me, it’s yoga. For others, it’s playing with their children, hiking, playing or watching sport, playing or listening to music. Anything where you can engage your senses without engaging your analytical mind (or perhaps by occupying your analytical mind with something else) can give you the space you need to recover.

7.    Develop a new relationship with your inner critic

Once you have some healthy boundaries in place (in other words, the ability to end unconstructive internal conversations), you can still be friends with your inner critic. Like the exceedingly honest friend who is the master of ‘tough love’, your inner critic knows you well and can help you to identify what might go wrong with a proposed business venture or creative project.

But be wary of its tendency to exaggerate the risks and catastrophise about failure. If this starts happening, simply smile (inwardly, otherwise you might seem crazy) and say: “Thanks for your advice. I’ll take that on board.” And then re-engage with your inner coach to determine how best to integrate that advice into your plan.

All relationships are based on conversations. The inner critic is simply the personification of a type of conversation that many high achievers are prone to indulge in (sometimes to the point of masochism). By becoming more observant of our internal conversations, we can recognise those that do not serve us and ‘switch tracks’ to ones that are more constructive.

So is it all worth it?

For some of you, this process might seem like a lot of work – and it is. When we’re in a dysfunctional relationship, it’s tempting to wonder whether the “grass is greener” in a different relationship and conclude that it’s “better the devil you know”. And, like all relationships, this is a question that only you can answer. But make sure you’re asking the right question to begin with. As I approach the end of my fourth decade, the question of how I want to live the rest of my life is looming large. And this has provided me with the added motivation to sort myself out internally – to develop a more constructive relationship with myself that is based on love, compassion and trust.

This is all neatly summed up in a realisation I had during a recent conversation with a mentor. In reflecting on the changes I’d experienced over the past 12 months, I said:

“I used to think I was a confident person, but my confidence was based on my achievements – on the strength of my CV. Now, I feel a new kind of confidence emerging. It’s a confidence based on pure love.”

[Note: I’d like to thank my inner coach for the support and encouragement to write this piece and share what has been an intensely personal journey for me. And I’d also like to thank my inner critic for helping me to edit this into something that is reasonably digestible. My inner critic is also urging me to mention that this post is not intended as professional advice. For professional advice on any mental health issues, please contact a medical doctor or psychologist, or call Lifeline on 13 11 14.]

Hope is a choice: choose hope

Some years ago, I read an article entitled How to Discover Your Life Purpose in About 20 Minutes. The author's instructions were simple: just write down what you think your life purpose is and keep repeating that step until you cry. Whatever makes you cry is your life purpose.

Now the stoic among you might not agree with this. But I recently witnessed a group of young Indonesian students demonstrate the power of this process.

I was running a Leadership Skills workshop in Sydney for a group of 24 university students from all over Indonesia. The trip and the training were sponsored by Indonesia’s largest telco provider, Telkomsel, and it's probably fair to say that the students were from modest backgrounds.

After a somewhat chaotic two days building some foundational skills in self-awareness, communication and relationship-building, we had made it to the final half-day. Given that the students were fairly worn out after two days of training and various tourist activities, I decided to start the final day with something relatively simple: purpose. The students were asked to write and/or draw their purpose on a sheet of butcher’s paper.

What followed was one of the most inspiring and emotional sessions I’ve ever experienced as a facilitator. As each of the students shared their purpose with the group, it didn’t take long for the tears to start flowing as the students tapped into the raw energy of their hopes, their dreams and the impact they want to have in the world. Some of the students shared their personal circumstances – broken homes, financial hardship and so on – and how these circumstances were motivating them to further their education and achieve professional success. Invariably, this was so they could help support their families and communities.

We heard from a law student who wants to reduce political corruption in Indonesia. We heard from a health sciences student who wants to win a scholarship to Harvard or Oxford in order to become a professor and "make people healthy". We heard from an English literature student who wants to influence people through her writing. There was an aspiring rockstar, a few photographers, and plenty of "independent businesswomen" (which I found especially exciting!).

About half of the students shared their purpose in the Bahasa Indonesian language – and, even though I couldn’t understand a word they were saying, it was impossible not to feel what they meant.

This is what I learned:

1. The power of stating your purpose: I’ve long believed that purpose gives us energy – and not just the manufactured motivation that comes from using our willpower, but the undeniable, inexhaustible inspiration only a genuine sense of purpose can provide. Linguistically*, a statement of purpose is also a declaration - a statement that generates a new or changed reality; a statement about how things will be from now on. Leaders set the course by using declarations frequently and following through with action so that the integrity of the declaration is maintained.

2. The power of emotion: Sadly, in some respects, the students will probably forget much of what they learned during the first two days of the training. But they won’t easily forget what happened in the final session due to the power of the emotion they experienced and shared with each other. Educators have long known that emotions create longer-lasting memories, and leaders can also use emotion to generate energy and commitment to challenging goals.

3. The power of hope: Most significantly, I was inspired by the amount of hope these young people hold for the future. Some would say that it’s been a difficult year with some notable political upheaval, the deaths of some iconic individuals, and no doubt our own personal challenges in work, family, and life generally. Too often, it’s easy to dwell in negativity, to ignore possibilities and resign ourselves to the status quo. It’s often easier to complain than to take action. But there’s always hope. Ultimately, a leader's currency is the ability to inspire hope in his or her followers.

Life is a series of choices. While I don’t necessarily believe that there are winners and losers in life, I do believe that the people who live more fruitful lives are the ones who choose hope. As leaders, our role is to tap into the possibility of our own purpose and our emotional connection to that purpose, and to cultivate hope in our hearts. And if you also lead a team, then your responsibility is to enable others to do the same.

“Hope” is the thing with feathers / That perches in the soul / And sings the tune without the words / And never stops - at all.” (Emily Dickinson)

*based on the field of ontological coaching

What to do when things go (horribly) wrong

Like many others around the world, I found myself having a strong emotional reaction to the news that Donald Trump is going to be the 45th President of the United States.

Shock, anger, confusion... I raced through Kübler-Ross’s Five Stages of Grief before finally landing on acceptance sometime around 7.30pm.

Hang on a minute. Acceptance? How did I get there? Was I actually just in denial (the first of the five stages), or had I genuinely found a way to make peace with the news?

Not coincidentally, I had spent the day at an Ontological Coaching conference with global expert Alan Seiler of the Newfield Institute. Ontological Coaching focuses on the client’s ‘way of being’ (which loosely correlates with 'mindset') as the entry point to unlocking more constructive strategies for behaviour and communication. One of the areas we had focused on was that of ‘breakdowns’, which are interruptions to the flow of our lives - in other words, when thing don't go as we expect them to. I had expected Hillary Clinton to win, and to learn that this was unlikely was a fairly significant breakdown for me.

(The word 'breakdown' tends to conjure up images of a person curled up on the floor in the foetal position, but a breakdown could be as minor as stubbing your toe - if it's unexpected. Technically, it also includes unexpected good news, which would be a positive breakdown.)

A ‘breakdown’ is so called because it represents a breaking down of something that we have been taking for granted – e.g. an assumption or view of the world. Prior to the breakdown, we more or less assume that things are the way we see them, and we expect things to flow in a certain way based on our assumptions. When events unfold differently to our expectations, our assumptions are challenged, and so we experience a breakdown of what was otherwise so obvious to us that we don't even think about it.

Here's where things get interesting.

If we choose to plough on with life, we can be experience strong, lasting negative emotion (anger, despair, anxiety) and the breakdown can persist or even worsen. On the other hand, if we use the breakdown as an opportunity to identify and examine the underlying assumptions, it can provide us with a valuable learning opportunity.

Let’s be frank: this is not easy when you're caught up in strong negative emotions. A few hours after I heard that Donald Trump was likely to win, I telephoned my father. He was surprisingly philosophical about the situation and offered me a few logical reasons that the election was unfolding as it was. But I didn’t want to hear it. I was so caught up in my indignation and dismay that I wasn’t ready for any learning. Yet.

Thankfully, my my indignation was overtaken by a far more useful emotion: curiosity. Ultimately, I was driven by a need to understand how more than 50 million American voters had knowingly cast a ballot for such an obnoxious, unqualified, hate-filled man.

This led me to ask myself the following questions, which are embedded in the ontological approach:

• What is it about the way that I am observing this situation that is causing a breakdown for me?
• How could I see it differently?

As I watched the news coverage unfold (in particular, the footage of Trump's supporters explaining why they had voted for him), it dawned on me that more than 50 million Americans were really happy about the outcome of the election. They were assessing the situation from a completely different frame of reference - theirs, not mine. So what could I learn from their frame of reference?

As much as Americans are criticised for being ignorant about the world beyond their borders (with apologies to my American friends), I’m going to say that the rest of the world is equally ignorant about the extent of disempowerment experienced by a huge proportion of the American population. Those of us who enjoy a stable income, education and good health have no idea what it’s like for those who are (for example) locked out of employment because the manufacturing sector has come to a grinding halt. It seems that Trump spoke to those people's concerns more effectively than Clinton did, and we saw the result of that across our screens today. There is much to learn here.

It’s easy to blame this outcome on gender inequality, and that was almost certainly a factor. But it wasn't everything, based on what I've heard about the proportion of women who voted for Trump. And it’s also incredibly disempowering to interpret this outcome as a rejection of the notion of female leadership, when Europe and Asia have provided us with so many examples of women leading their countries without gender being such a divisive issue. Again, there is much to be learned here.

I am in no way suggesting that this breakdown has changed my view on how challenging the election outcome will be for the American population and the world in general. And it will probably further my commitment to disengaging from the traditional news media. But it seems to me that life (through Brexit, Trump, etc) is holding up a mirror, and it’s up to us to take a good look at what it’s showing us, preferably before Pauline Hanson re-enters Australian politics. Oh, whoops.

We’re all waking up today to a different paradigm – not least of all the considerable proportion of Americans who didn't vote for Trump. It’s highly unlikely that this outcome will change. But from a place of acceptance of what we cannot change, there is the opportunity to recognise what we can change and move forward from there.

Ultimately, compassion and courage will serve us better than condemnation.

Of course, none of this just applies to the U.S. election results. Life is a series of breakdowns, and our ability to learn from them determines how well we cope with life. In other words, our resilience. So next time you find yourself struggling with an unanticipated challenge, ask yourself the two questions above. It may not change the outcome, but it will almost certainly change your perspective of it.

Learning trumps losing, every time.

“When they go low, we go high.” ~Michelle Obama

(On a slightly different note, I ate two New York cheesecakes to take the edge off my shock, and the irony of this is not lost on me.)